Well, I suppose it’s a good thing that the first (and probably last) season of “Miss Advised” has come to an end, as the show has been giving me nightmares! Last night, after watching the finale, I dreamt that I totally Julia Allison-ed at work today. That is to say, I overslept, missed all of my deadlines, and generally made a mockery of all the opportunities that have been given to me. I woke up in a panic at 6 a.m., when I immediately began writing this recap. I shall not become that which I mock! (FYI, feel free to use “Julia Allison” as a verb — in addition to the context in which I used it, “To Julia Allison” can also mean “to act like a lunatic on a date,” i.e. “Ugh, I totally Julia Allison-ed on my date last night with Greg — I got drunk and begged him to kiss me!”)
Anyway! So, last night’s finale came with an extra little bit of anticipation. On Julia’s Twitter yesterday — which I used to follow, until she blocked me, and then she unblocked me but I haven’t bothered to refollow BECAUSE I KNOW WHEN I’M NOT WANTED — she announced that she would have a BIG ANNOUNCEMENT following the episode. I dared not guess what it could be, but needless to say, I was falling off my chair with excitement (though that could have been from the bottle of wine I find it necessary to consume in order to watch the show).
But before we get to Julia, let’s visit with Emily, my favorite pocket-sized sex expert. Emily has been opening her heart to a guy from her hometown named David Rubin. I am going to use David Rubin’s full name in this recap every time I mention him because David Rubin is, as you’ll come to find out, THE WORST and I want to do my part to fuck with his Google search results. So David Rubin, at first, seemed like he could be a good guy for Emily, who hasn’t been sure how she feels about monogamy but maybe she just has daddy issues, blah blah blah. They have been talking on the phone and she visited him and there was kissing and it was all very hopeful. And now they’re on a little romantic trip together to Napa! What could be more perfect? I gotta tell ya, nothing puts me in a romantic mood like wine, stinky cheese, and tubed pork so at this point, I was feeling pretty good about Emily’s potential blossoming relationship with David Rubin. Also, did you know that Rachel Zoe designed that Fozzy Bear of a jacket that Emily is wearing? We’ll get back to Emily and DAVID RUBIN THE WORST in a bit.
Julia time! Last episode, Julia got dumped by JellyD, her San Francisco boy toy of approximately three months, after she flew up to visit him and have THE TALK. The Talk went like this, in case you forgot:
Julia: I think I’m starting to fall for you.
JellyD: Meh. That’s not part of my contract with Bravo.
So naturally, Julia is down in the dumps, and has invited over that British Mind Architect dude (from a few episodes ago) for help healing from the pain and stuff. Julia explains that she let down her guard with JellyD, totally showed him her real authentic self and wore her high school prom dress to prove it, and then he dumped her. This, she says, has confirmed her biggest fear — that she is unlovable. “The other day I got back here and I didn’t care about anything,” she cries. Julia tells the Mind Archidouche that she doesn’t know what to do with her life and that she always felt like if she could force people to love her, she would be happy. Clearly, Julia needs to be on a couch, and I’m not talking about the white Pottery Barn one she’s sitting on in the clip above.
So, Mind Archidouche basically kinda tells Julia what I have been saying all season, which is that running around like Crack Barbie in your high school prom dress and dragging dudes on costume-required dates is not actually authentic. Julia says that maybe if she stops being fake, or something, she’ll be cool for the first time in her life. Okay, let’s manage expectations, Julia, and also I don’t think that Archidouche’s point. The thing about this girl that kills me, having “followed” her various ups and downs since well before this show, is that she’s had a gazillion and one “breakthroughs” just like this and none of them are ever, ahem, authentic. So forgive me if I don’t believe that 30 minutes played footsie on a couch with a Mind Architect wearing a leather wrap bracelet is going to have much of an impact on this chick’s deep psychological issues. But if it does, I am firing my therapist and moving to LA.
So how’s Amy, our resident bunny-boiling matchmaker doing? Well, she’s flying high off her date with Kevin, aka Joe Mole-ianaire, the guy with the shell choker and crunchy curls that she met at the gym. Joe Mole-ianaire is really nice to Amy and I gotta say that when Amy is not flaunting her food issues and the rules she touts but always breaks, and actually relaxes and lets down her guard, I kind of like her. Amy seems fragile to me and while I think only she can work through her insecurity issues, I do think it’s a step in the right direction that she’s open to dating someone who is kind to her.
Next, there’s a whole stupid segment in which Julia complains to Skinnier Julia about her writer’s block, which she still has even though JellyD gave her “tons” of material. She then goes to meet up with a gaggle of girls — most of which we’ve never seen before — and they have cawfee tawk about dudes using acronyms like OBO and it’s boring until one of the Fake Friends tells Julia she has someone to set her up with. He’s a middle school math teacher. I can practically see Julia going over her checklist in her head and realizing, simply by virtue of his stupid job, that he’s not going to hit many of the requirements. At least not the important ones that have to do with money and status and fast cars. “Math teacher wasn’t exactly on my checklist,” she admits, “But maybe I should give this guy a shot.” Desperate times call for desperate measures, so Julia agrees to the set up with the Poor Math Teacher. This ought to be good.
Emily and David Rubin are still drinking wine in Napa, gazing into each other’s eyes and smooching and all that. Even Emily, who is basically the opposite of Julia in terms of unrealistic princess fantasies, says, “It’s perfect!” Or is it? David Rubin, clearly sensing that he’s broken down Emily’s well constructed walls and it’s time to disappoint, casually tells her that they’re not made for monogamy, he’s not ready for something long term, and that’s why dating long distance is so much fun! Emily maintains her composure. Later on, David Rubin reemphasizes that he’s not looking for something serious, but then he starts necking on her and saying he has expectations of having “sex with Emily” (which is also the name of her radio show, get it?). For the love of God, woman, David Rubin doesn’t even deserve your worst effort.
Back in New York, Amy has received a package from Joe Mole-ianaire! Inside is a pair of cupcake pajamas, a reference to their first date in which she told him she wears cupcake PJs to bed. I’m not quite sure why, then, he thinks she needs another pair, but still, the sentiment and the fact that he showed he actually listened to her on their date, is sweet. Amy is so touched that she actually eats — from a can! — while she calls Joe Mole-ianaire to thank him for his gift. Progress! “He’s the nicest guy I’ve met in a long time,” she says, and for one night, I hope, Amy doesn’t count her calorie intake.
The next day, Amy and Joe Mole-ianaire go on a fancy dinner date and girlfriend is really rocking the cleavage. “So elegant, so beautiful,” Kevin says of her outfit, “but just as beautiful in your workout wear.” If I was on this date, I would be creeped out by all of the fawning (they barely know each other, after all), but after that troll Lewis, it’s nice to see Amy — who, while unhinged, seems like a kind, good person — being treated respectfully. Later, Amy and Kevin make out and the view from between my fingers suggests it is hot and heavy. However, I am assuming, based on the seriously strict rules in Amy’s book, 8 Weeks to Everlasting, that it didn’t go any further with Joe Mole-ianaire for at least another seven weeks.
In LA, Julia’s phone rings and, upon realizing that it’s the Poor Middle School Teacher calling to set up their date, answers him on speaker so Skinny Julia can listen in because that’s what mature, adult women do. Julia actually calls him “the Middle School Teacher,” as if teaching middle school is this hilarious, foreign, crazy thing. I suppose when you’ve spent your dating years chasing the sons of politicians, tech founders, and various other “connected” and moneyed jackasses, going out with a teacher must seem so out there. “Can you believe it? He’s a teacher. At a middle school. Not even an Ivy League University. It’s so cute.” She didn’t say that, by the way, but I am paraphrasing her body language.
Back in Napa, it is morning and Emily and David Rubin have just woken up together. Did they or didn’t they bang? THEY DIDN’T! But should they have? They discuss. David Rubin says it’s probably best they didn’t make the beast with two backs BECAUSE THEN HE WOULD HAVE WANTED TO LEAVE. Emily tells David Rubin that, contrary to what he seems to think, most men don’t want to leave after sleeping with a woman. David Rubin explains that once your have sex with a woman, the thrill of the chase is gone. There’s no more, AND I QUOTE, “Strange puss.” STRANGE PUSS! This Napa date is clearly over. And just a few more times, DAVID RUBIN DAVID RUBIN DAVID RUBIN. The worst.
It’s time for Julia’s date with the Poor Math Teacher! He’s actually really quite cute and seems normal and cool! They go to an art studio to paint together, which would be a fun first date for most of us, but is actually a hilarious date for someone like Julia, who should never be given a canvas, an easel and a tube of pink paint. Naturally, she paints an insanely girly pink heart. Because, she says, there is nothing wrong with loving pink and loving pink is part of who she is. Listen, I like many shades of pink. I have pink polish on my nails as I type this. It’s the love for pink on top of everything else — the juvenile behavior, the princess dresses, the obsession with prom, the hair bows, the checklist — that is the problem. In the end, Poor Math Teacher bestows a kiss upon Julia, without her having to beg, and we are left with the feeling that things are looking up for Miss Allison.
Except … the Poor Math Teacher never called. Maybe because this was the last episode of the season and he was only contracted for one episode? Regardless, Julia has learned much about love from her experiences the last few months, namely, that she needed to add MORE to her checklist. (As my friend tweeted last night, “If you make a list to find a guy, you will end up fucking a piece of paper.”) In other words, Julia has learned absolutely not a goddamn thing. She is still crazy. She still thinks a partner should be someone you can order from a catalog, with all the bells and whistles that you want but don’t actually need. She is still an asshole.
BUT … she is no longer single! SUCK IT, HATERS. That was Julia’s BIG ANNOUNCEMENT following last night’s “Miss Advised” finale. SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. Announced to her Twitter and Facebook followers with such bravado, as if being in relationship validates her existence and is a testament that she’s changed and grown. It’s both funny and sad. Because having a BF does not mean you’ve overcome your deep insecurity issues. It just means you’ve found a new way to ignore them. But hey, at least season two — HA, if it happens! — will be just as insanely entertaining as the first, right?