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50 Ways To Break Your Cell Phone

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Every phone I’ve ever owned has met a tragic and untimely death. Whether it’s the toilet, the concrete, the washing machine, a sandy beach, or a spilled glass of juice, I am an expert at breaking cell phones, so when I splurged on a fancy new Android a few weeks ago, I vowed things would be different. And for awhile, they were: I cradled it gently against my ear; I never touched the screen when my hands were messy; I tucked it carefully into its very own pocket in my purse. And then, a few days ago, I dropped it on the concrete while taking a nice, slow-paced stroll through the park. Looking down at that cracked screen, at all my hard work gone to waste, I had an epiphany: there must be 50 ways to break your cell phone. With apologies to Paul Simon, here they are…

1. Drop it in the loo, Stew.

2. Throw it at the wall, Paul.

3. Leave it on a train track, Jack.

4. Sit on the screen, Dean.

5. Run it over with your car, Jafar.

6. Put it through a wash cycle, Michael.

7. Leave it on the stove, Clove.

8. Keep it in your pocket during hockey practice, Atticus.

9. Let a toddler play with it, Mitt.

10. Coat it with hot sauce, Ross.

11. Throw it off a cliff, Tiff.

12. Drop it in a lake, Blake.

13. Stab it with a sword, Fjord.

14. Give it to one of those people who eats metal, Gretel.

15. Dip it in an acid vat, Matt.

16. Simmer it in a stew, Blue.

17. Loan it to Naomi Campbell when she’s in a bad mood, Jude.

18. Feed it to a shark, Mark.

19. Shoot it with a gun, Dunn.

20. Force it to fight Chuck Norris, Doris.

21. Step on it with a stiletto, Gepetto.

22. Replace the battery with Spam, Pam.

23. Break the law and have it confiscated by the FBI, Levi.

24. Get it wet and sandy, Randy.

25. Put it in a garbage truck, Huck.

26. Leave it out in the sun, Alton.

27. Leave it out in the rain, Jane.

28. Smash it with your fists, Kris.

29. Drop it in the lion enclosure at the zoo, Drew.

30. Bake it in bread, Jed.

31. Get it stolen by Smeagol, Deagol.

32. Use it as an archery target, Margaret.

33. Knock it into the tub, Bub.

34. Toss it into the flames, James.

35. Chop it up with an ax, Max.

36. Slingshot it across the street, Pete.

37. Run over it with a tractor during harvest, Jarvis.

38. Forget to take it out of your pocket and go skydiving, Ming.

39. Use it as bait for a piranha, Lana.

40. Get sucked into a black hole, Joel.

41. Realize it’s turning into the HAL 9000 and shut it down, Dave.

42. Walk too close to a giant magnet, Janet.

43. Gesture wildly and lose your grip, Kip.

44. Leave it in the ice tray, Jay.

45. Get roughed up by a thug, Doug.

46. Mail it in a package that’s not marked “fragile,” Virgil.

47. Drop it in a cement truck, Chuck.

48. Get mauled by a bear, Cher.

49. Jump into a mosh pit at a concert, Burt.

50. Lose it to the tide, Clyde.

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