Truly “Miss Advised”: Julia Allison Gives A Second Date Blow Job, Gets Dumped

"Miss Advised," Ep. 5 & 6
Julia takes a dude to prom and Amy gets dumped. Read More »
"Miss Advised," Ep. 4
Introducing Alan Busey! Read More »
"Miss Advised," Ep. 3
"They call me Donkey!" Julia cries. Read More »
TRULY MISS ADVISED

Before I get into parsing the insanity of “Miss Advised”‘s penultimate episode, a note about Emily Morse. Last night, as I was livetweeting all the action — I am so dedicated, y’all — I noted that I use Emily’s scenes as time to refill my drink (multiple are necessary to get through this shitshow) or pee. Emily herself replied to me, not understanding why. I explained that she is awesome and rad and normal and unless she shares scenes with someone not awesome and rad and normal (like Alan Busey), I simply do not find her entertaining enough to watch (or blog about, save this wee paragraph), and that is the biggest compliment I can give. Really, “Miss Advised” is a dating show about two mental cases and an adorable pocket person. Love the adorable pocket person, just not enough to waste much valuable blog space on. Anyway … shall we begin?








It’s the day after JellyD (aka Andrew) showed up to Julia’s housewarming party, surprising her by flying down to LA from San Francisco. And what’s this? Home dude is sleeping on the couch. Now, just because a man flies hundreds of miles to see you does not mean you should sleep with him. But this scene does allude to the total lack of “seriousness” of the “relationship” between Julia and JellyD, as does the kiss on the cheek goodbye. Now, to demonstrate that I don’t just hate on Julia for the sake of hating on Julia, I will say that “the more I like a guy, the longer I wait to sleep with him” is not a bad approach if you’re someone who falls easily, especially once the clothes have come off. That being said, I absolutely loathe her monogrammed hot pink pillows. Also, when Julia says “I can make water,” all I can think about is “Game of Thrones.”

Julia tells JellyD that she is three articles behind on her Elle gig — more on that shortly! — but that she hasn’t dated anyone creative in a really long time and that he is “inspiring” her. JellyD looks constipated, as he clearly signed up for this shit show to promote his music, not give hack writers like Julia an excuse for their slackitude. JellyD mentions that he has a meeting he has to get to which, duh, makes it even more blatantly obvious that he didn’t fly down to LA for The Julia’s Boring White Housewarming Party.







Next, Julia has a photoshoot for Elle about her closet and her editor Keith is clearly repulsed by its contents, calling the section of her closet devoted to pink vintage dresses “insane.” Julia then says that photoshoots bring out all her insecurities about her body and her face, which is interesting because Julia is known for arranging photoshoots of herself with various photographers for no reason whatsoever. She used to post many of these photos on her blog — they were very rarely for publication elsewhere and involved costume changes, tons of makeup, and a head full of hair extensions. In fact, in an email exchange she and I had a couple years ago (she was mad about something The Frisky posted about her), she referred to these photoshoots as “my art.” So before you shed a tear over photoshoots bringing out Julia’s body insecurities, be aware that girlfriend has been subjecting herself to the torture of them for years. And for art, apparently!

Anyway, Keith also has a bone to pick with Julia about her being three articles behind on her Elle column. You guys, this is the only job she has, and it is basically a fake one, as her Elle.com column is essentially a recap of each “Miss Advised” episode. Now, it’s not like we’re curing cancer here at The Frisky, but each of my staff members writes approximately twice as many words in a day as Julia is expected to write for one piddly little column. It’s appalling. Julia blames writer’s block. I blame fucking laziness. Last night, while tweeting, I mentioned that I could write Julia’s recap/column in the time it takes me to take a poop and then briefly entertained the idea of doing just that. Alas, I am backed up — scatologically speaking, of course — right now, so I’m writing this screed (which will be longer than one of Julia’s column and posted in a timely manner) from the comfort of my couch. Keith, naturally, is unimpressed with Julia’s excuses. I hope he made her pay for lunch.







Let’s check in with Amy, who was recently dumped by not-boyfriend of two dates, Lewis. Amy is working out her frustration at the gym, her favorite place in the world besides fantasy land. And what do ya know, Amy meets a boy at the gym! A mole-ier version of Evan Marriott, he of “Joe Millionaire” fame. Joe Not-A-Millionaire — real name Kevin Donague — is a trainer I think? I wasn’t actually listening to him because I was so distracted by his choker. Is that a bone or a shell dangling from the center? I can’t. I CANNOT. Joe Not-A-Millionaire likes Amy and Amy seems to like him — including his awful hair — and agrees to a date. Last night — as I apparently cannot tweet about this goddamn show without the people I’m making fun of tweeting back at me! — Joe Not-A-Millionaire said he would shave his head if I found a charity it would benefit. How about the charity for America’s eyeballs. Also, my main beef is with the choker, Joe.








BACK TO JULIA! She’s packing for a visit to see Andrew — she invited herself — in San Francisco, during which she plans on having “the talk” with JellyD. Now, there seems to be confusion about how long these two had been “dating” when this episode took place. So, Prom Date was the first date. JellyD showed up for the White People Housewarming Party and Julia confirms (in the clip above) that that was their second date (and that she gave him a blow job). Plus, as Julia packs to visit JellyD, she and Skinnier Julia are talking about him surprising her for a visit and Skinnier Julia makes it seem like that was very, very recent. Keep in mind, dude lives hundreds of miles away, so it’s not like it’s easy to seriously date, though Julia says they’ve been texting. Texting is not dating, BTW. Now, on Twitter last night, Julia claimed that she and JellyD had been dating for three months at this point on the show and that they had spent time sleeping at each other’s places. But in the episode, it’s clear that this is the first time Julia has visited Andrew. To quote Whitney Houston, SHOW ME THE RECEIPTS. All signs point to the fact that Julia and JellyD had only had two real “dates,” are separated by hundreds of miles, and yet ol’ crazy pants has invited herself up to have “THE TALK” because she is falling for him. (She hasn’t felt this way “in years,” in fact. Which is odd, because she and her last boyfriend, OMG JACK MCCAIN “discussed marriage.”) I wish that JellyD would weigh in on the timeline of this “relationship,” but alas, he has basically been pretending that Julia — and his role on “Miss Advised” — doesn’t exist. He has not tweeted a word about it — or her — since the show started.







Perhaps that’s because the moment Julia arrived at JellyD’s apartment and began “the talk,” he immediately put the smack down. I would call it a breakup, except it’s not because this relationship didn’t exist in the first place — not for a month, let alone three. Seriously, Julia should try devoting half as much time to her Elle column as she does towards constructing fake narratives about her love life.

Next week! The last episode! Probably forever, because who would renew this shit!

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