“Small Town Security” Recap: The Land Of A Thousand Hoarding Dances

This week’s episode of “Small Town Security” takes a break from chronicling Lieutenant Denis Croft’s time traveling love affair with his boss Chief Joan Koplan, and instead focuses on Joan’s husband Irwin. Irwin has a problem — and no, I’m not referring to his desire to dye his graying hair cherry red (which yes, is a problem). I’m talking about his hoarding issues. Irwin, Joan and everybody that comes within throwing distance of the JKK offices knows that Irwin is a hoarder. He’s so bad that he’s not only hoarded up his office and home basement, but he also has a secret hoarding storage unit, filled to the gills with newspapers, garbage bags and random Irwin ephemera.

To address his hoarding crisis majeur, Irwin brings in Dr. Sandy McKinsey, a blond management consultant, whose skin is not unlike that of Katherine Helmond’s in “Brazil,” stretched way too taut over her struggling facial features.

Dr. McKinsey interviews each employee one at a time, and offers her appraisal of the office condition. Her diagnosis? Irwin needs to clean up his mess and everyone needs to stop swearing in the office because it’s unprofessional. Fuck that, says Joan. Fuck that, indeed.

But while Irwin has little control over the big fucking cuss problem in the office, he can do something about the massive mountains of crap spread through the office. He hires the Junk King ¬†junk removal company to come in and assess the damage. “A lot of times we come and we look and give them an estimate, and we never hear from them again,” explains Junk King’s Fred Friday. Irwin swears he’s different, and promises that the junk removers can come back in three or four days. Okay, make that two weeks. No, no, definitely he’ll have things sorted in two months.

Joan, Denis and the audience collectively roll their eyes.

Oh, and did I mention that Joan’s attempting to address one of her problems, too? By that, we’re referring to her Parkinson’s disease. Joanie’s limbs are afflicted with the nerve disorder, and that’s why she has a hard time walking. But! That doesn’t mean she won’t exercise. Joan’s favorite exercise is to have her coworkers remove the carpet in the office main room so she can dance, dance, dance. With her pants off.

You can imagine how much Denis enjoys that.