Oh. holy shit, where to begin. “Miss Advised,” the show about two mentally unstable shitbirds and one relatively cool chick who is probably wondering how she got roped into this mess. Well, I missed recapping last week’s episode because of our malware disaster and also I couldn’t make clips of the show because the sound was missing from our clip-making service, blah blah, Mercury Retrograde, blah blah. But I am back, bitches, with a double recap. Because I love you. And also the crazy from last week’s episode and this week’s was too epic to ignore. Shall we begin?
I’m actually going to make last week’s recap a little on the short side because all your really need to know is that Julia Allison has learned a valuable lesson from the various new age self help gurus she’s been seeing and that is that she is a special little flower and she needs to stop hiding her specialness and let her insane freak flag fly. She needs to embrace who she is, dammit! Now, normally I would agree, but if who you are if a 30-year-old woman obsessed with prom and has enduring princess fantasies, I suggest getting serious, intensive therapy before being all “free to be you and me.” Alas, Julia is all aboard the self-love train and her first unwitting passenger is some sucker named Andrew, who is a comedic rapper named JellyD. Julia picks him up from the airport wearing a schoolgirl skirt and over-the-knee hooker boots. The first stop on their date is a dress shop, where Julia changed from Hooker Barbie into Prom Queen Barbie and I’m not being mean here, I’m being sort of literal because they are actually going on a PROM DATE. Julia is wearing her senior prom dress and a fucking tiara and not to play the accessory police but she is also carrying an enormous bubblegum pink quilted purse in the shape of a heart. Poor JellyD has been corralled into wearing a powder blue suit. This guy must really want to draw attention to his career except maybe he doesn’t because he has done zero publicizing of it on his Twitter profile. (I’m a journalist like Julia Allison and I investigate these things.) Julia remarks that Andrew is “being a good sport” about the date but I just think he’s treating a mentally ill person with kid gloves so no one gets hurt. Like James Caan in “Misery,” sort of.
Anyway, apparently an “adult prom date” involves dressing up like assholes and going to nearly empty dive bars and acting embarrassing. Let me be frank: No self-respecting adult who’s lived any semblance of an interesting life remembers prom let alone wants to relive it. Accepting one’s eccentricities does not mean being given a free pass to act like a juvenile lunatic.
Meanwhile, on last week’s episode, Amy and Lewis broke up at a diner because she’s a bunny boiler and he’s a camera whore. Amy thought they were going on a date and even treated herself to a cheeseburger — that is, until Lewis brought up the fact that she acted like a psycho on their last date, chewing him out for not calling her for one day. Suddenly Amy lost her appetite. Her one solid meal of the day — ruined! Lewis, mind you, is an asshat and rumor has it that he is now dating Julia Allison’s roommate Julia Price (JP). Basically, the whole scene was so uncomfortable.
Oh, as for Emily — all you need to know is that, as the most normal, cool person on this show, there is very little to tell you about her. Last week’s episode featured a cursory mention of Alan Busey and how he likes to play a game called “Penetrative Scrabble.” I googled the term but nothing came up which leads me to believe that Penetrative Scrabble is like Fight Club and the first rule is to never talk about it. Unfortunately.
And now for this week’s episode! Julia and JP are throwing a house warming party and Julia is really, really hoping that JellyD will come down from San Francisco for the occasion. She has a really whiny, uncomfortable conversation with him over the phone in which she expresses that she takes it personally that he won’t FLY DOWN FROM SAN FRANCISCO to go to a housewarming party. You guys, this isn’t her boyfriend who is bailing on her. This is a guy she went ON ONE DATE WITH. I would go on and on about how this is, like, the worst dating don’t ever, but I have a separate post planned on that. Anyway, even JP, who obviously hates Julia, don’t like JP you know you do, came flying out the shower, wrapped in a towel, and is miming to Julia that she should quit it.
“I wish you were here, I really do,” Julia whines to JellyD.
“Yeah, I know you do,” JellyD responds. Facepalm. No wonder the dude hasn’t been telling anyone to watch the show — it’s mortifying.
Let’s take a break from The Julia Show for a second and switch over to Planet Celestia, I mean Amy. Amy is meeting with a new client named Tina. Amy spends the vast majority of her first meeting with Tina projecting her own issues and insecurities onto her and Tina, who seems to know what she wants, is unimpressed. If I was Tina, I would have asked for refund right then and there. Amy also starts quoting from the Patti Stanger playbook and I would get into the details of that, but again, I have another post in mind that explores that, as “Miss Advised” has permeated my life. Anyway, Amy then has the nerve to tell Tina that she’s being too masculine because the woman helped her put her coat on. Also, newsflash — I got a press release from Amy Laurent’s publicist yesterday: she has a book coming out! About dating! I am obviously going to read it.
Back to Julia and her dinner party which I am going to call The White Party because everyone there is white and the furniture is all white and there are mashed potatoes. One of the guests at the white party is Julia’s ex-boyfriend Taylor Greason who she says hated her last boyfriend. That last boyfriend was Jack McCain — yay, another excuse to mention him! Jack McCain! Jack McCain! Son of John McCain! — and maybe Taylor didn’t like him because Julia dumped him to date Jack because Jack is obviously more famous. Anyway, Taylor, like everyone else at this boring White Party seems to find Julia irritating. It must be sort of sad to be hosting a dinner party where all the guests clearly can’t stand you. (FYI, speaking of being a guest of Julia’s, I somehow got invited to a viewing party for “Miss Advised” last night — with all three ladies in attendance — and I didn’t go because I value my life and also I don’t mingle with people I trash on the internet.)
Anyyyyyway, the doorbell rings! And guess who it is?! JELLYD!!!!! Julia falls to the ground and starts blubbering “Oh my god, oh my god” and it’s jussssssssst like a scene from, I dunno, “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape” only Julia is not an Oscar-nominated actor. It seems Julia’s obnoxious badgering worked (or JellyD got tossed a few extra bones by producers). Ladies, may I advise, do not try this at home. Pestering a guy who you’ve been on one date with to fly hundreds of miles to attend your boring dinner party is not a good move and does not work in your favor EVER. Meanwhile, JP shows that she secretly hates Julia by performing a song based on Julia’s 77-point checklist. In front of everyone at the party. Including JellyD. Julia, because she is so grossly out of touch with how awful everything about her is, thinks this is adorable.
Back to Amy. Amy is now at a party and her newest client Tina is also in attendance. Tina, clearly, like, five drinks deep, confronts Amy about her confounding behavior. Amy is caught off guard. I basically love Tina, who is totally in the right but is also playing up her anger for the cameras. Whatever, it’s entertaining. I’m just worried that every incident like this brings Amy further towards a mental breakdown. But something good does come from the party! A singer songwriter, who appears to be the love child of Mister Jay Manuel from “America’s Next Top Model” and Guy Fieri, captures Amy’s attention. He is ugly, but she is desperate, so they decide to go on a date. And you know what? They have a good time! This leads me to the conclusion that Amy, bless her crazy ass soul, really needs to be with a man who isn’t as attractive as her, because she’s less insecure and able to relax. I really think there’s a chance she could become Mrs. Jay Fieri someday.
Again, Emily gets no attention from me this week because she is awesome and that is all there is to say about her. Team Emily!
Last but not least, the three “Miss Advised” ladies were on “Watch What Happens Live” last night. Julia looks like she got a fresh round of Botox, but she had the courtesy of tweeting me last night to deny that. Then she said she probably needs it to which I replied, “No one needs Botox.” That’s what bangs are for! Anyway, the best moment on WWHL was when Julia was asked to explain how she went about asking JellyD on the prom date and she bellowed/brayed “PROMMMMM!” Andy Cohen, are you regretting this shitshow yet?
UPDATE: Look at what I just got in the mail!