This weekend, the worst thing ever happened. And by the worst thing ever, I mean a used condom landed on top of my cell phone.
O’Boyfriend and I were, uhhhh, using a condom. And then we were done using the condom. And then because I didn’t want it or its contents spilling on my bedsheets, I suggested he throw it in the wastepaper basket. So LeBron James over here tossed it in the direction of the trash … and it landed on top of my iPhone.
Now if you know anything about me, you know that I am a germophobe of the highest order. I’m somewhat of an obsessive handwasher. I’m also really finicky and weird about the concepts of “clean” and “dirty”; I don’t like “clean” things touching “dirty” things. And even know that I know that my iPhone (and my iPad and my laptop) are probably covered in billions of germs anyway, a used condom was definitely beyond “dirty.”
O’Boyfriend looked at me like I might smack him. Or dump him. Instead I leapt out of bed and Lysol-wiped the shit out of my phone. The screen. The case. Everything. Don’t even tell me if/how Lysol is bad to use on Apple products because I don’t want to hear it.
O’Boyfriend’s punishment was some righteous stinkeye. And I probably have to halt foreplay to go lock my cell phone in an underground bunker whenever we have sex forevermore. I’m almost done being angry about it. Almost.
Has anyone else ever had a condom mishap such as this? I once heard about a pet dog that ate a condom and had to be taken to the vet to get its stomach pumped. If anyone has funny (or gross) condom-related stories, tell me about them in the comments!