Before I begin here, I should confess that I decided to stop watching “The Bachelorette” as of this past season. I had many reasons for this decision, the most important being that Emily bores me to tears. So, this means that I don’t recognize a few of the players on the new season of “Bachelor Pad,” which is fine considering they’ve decided to include a few “fans” as contestants this season. And I don’t recognize them either. Well, most of them. But more on that later.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the first episode of “Bachelor Pad” was a bit of a snooze. The only person I found myself caring about was last season’s winner Michael Stagliano, who seems like a normal guy. Why the hell does he keep doing the show? What is he getting out of it? He already won. He already got his heart broken twice by “Bachelor” bitches. Is he a masochist? I know four, non-crazy girls right here in The Frisky office who would be happy to have him. Oh, and Erica Rose is always fun to watch. But for a much different reason. She gives the best snarky one-liners. All that being said, the four most exciting (is that the right word?) moments of last night’s episode are after the jump.
1. Everyone Hates Blakeley
Poor Blakeley. Yes, she’s annoying, but I feel bad for her because she’s not a malicious person. Just a bit clueless. She thinks Jaclyn is her friend, but Jaclyn seems to think they are frenemies. Actually, Jaclyn “hates her so much it hurts.” Ouch. The moment Blakeley sets foot in the house she gets “mean girled” by Jaclyn, Rachel and Lindzi (kind of). If you’re wondering how adult women bully each other in real life, here’s an example. The mean girls talk merciless shit behind the victim’s back and then, to her face, they tell her how much they like her sparkly outfit, which they actually hate as much as they hate her.
2. Only Room For One Set Of Twins
If you recognize the super fan twins, Erica and Brittany Taltos, that’s because you might have seen them on “Jersey Shore.” The twins were studying abroad in Florence when the Shore cast rolled into town. Brittany was the one who hooked up with The Situation, while virgin Erica was the twin who made out with both Vinny and Deena in one night. I have a feeling they’ll do just fine in the “Bachelor Pad” house as long as they find a way to win Erica Rose over. “There’s only room for one set of twins in this house and it’s not those two girls,” she said, dropping her first snarky one-liner of the night. BOOM. Also, the set of twins she’s referring to, in case you didn’t catch it, are her breasts. There was one later in the episode about how pairing up with a fan would be like “sleeping with the help.” Oh, Erica.
3. Ed Gets Lit
Ed is a doofus. He was a doofus when he proposed to Jillian Harris and he’s still a doofus. She’s lucky she doesn’t have to deal with him anymore. I still think Reid would have been the better choice. Oh yeah, he’s in the “Bachelor Pad” house as well. And he and Ed are pretending to be friends. Anyhow, someone needs to teach Ed how to dress properly. He’s not quirky enough to pull off leisure suits and Hawaiian shirts. Luckily, he got wasted, stripped out of his awful clothes and jumped in the pool in his skivvies. Jamie remarks that he “has a big d**k and he’s funny” but he needs to get it together. She’s right. Then Ed lets a burp rip while Chris Harrison is talking. What a doofus!
4. Blakeley Flips Out On Chris And Jamie
When Blakeley says, “Don’t be afraid of me” and then turns around and says “I would punch you in the throat [if you betrayed my trust],” you should be very afraid. You should refrain from making out with Jamie, for example, but that’s exactly what Blakeley’s partner Chris chose to do. I’m sorry, I mean, they were just talking. Wink. Naturally, Blakeley barged in on their “talking” session, chewed them out and then had a meltdown. The first episode and already … “It’s not worth it,” she chokes out through tears. Imagine what Blakeley would be like if she and Chris were dating. Shudder.
Check back next week for another recap and follow Amelia on Twitter because she live-tweets every episode.