26 Olympic Sports We’d Excel At

Look, I’m a little intimidated about heading to the Olympics next week to hang out with a bunch of people who are Really Good At Sports. I’m not good at sports and typically only play them when I’ve been unassumingly tricked into them by a friend who says that it’s faster to ride bikes someplace than to drive a car. And yes, I treat my body like a decommissioned Orange Julius machine.

But that doesn’t mean that me and the rest of the mostly-sedentary Frisky staff aren’t gold medalists at other things in life. That’s why I asked everybody to tell me what they’d likely win a gold medal in. After all, if competitive race walking is an actual Olympic sport, can competitive closet organizing — in which my Virgo soul would easily get the gold — be far behind?

Tell us: What would you win a gold medal for? And if you need me, I’ll be polishing my Olympic gold medals for Eating All The Tacos and Being Able To Discern What Song Sampled What Other Song.


Most Panda Videos Watched
Most High Pitched Squee
Longest Nap
Eating All Of The Girl Scouts Thin Mint Cookies


Competitive Sunbathing.
Competitive Hot-Tubbing
Barefoot Rock-Climbing
Cooking Huge Amounts Of Food On A Full Stomach
Distance Running (When A Celebrity Like Ryan Gosling Is At The Finish Line)


Cell Phone Dropping
Getting Lost
Yelling Awkward Things The Moment A Room Gets Quiet
Endurance Snuggling


Hurting Myself Unintentionally
Olympic Yogurt Topping
Remembering Jingles From The ’80s
Quoting Song Lyrics
Naming Weird Diseases


Eating All The Indian Food
Longest Showers
Most Times Said “Fuck” Or Some Form Of It Inadvertently In Any Given Sentence
Most Insufferable And Incredibly Detailed Weight-Griping
Best At Telling Other People What To Do And Failing Miserably When Attempting To Do Said Things By Oneself
Most Relentless And In-Depth Criticizing Of Anything Ever

Okay, now it’s your turn! What Olympic sport would you excel at?

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