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Bizarre Love Triangle: Joan, Denis & Irwin On “Small Town Security”

Wait, Mutual Masturbation?!
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Have you started watching “Small Town Security” yet? Because you need to be watching this show. It’s absolutely the craziest. I mean, the show is about a security detail in North Georgia run by former teen sensation Joan Koplan, her cuckholded husband Irwin, and their female-to-male transgender officer Denis. So totally normal, right?

The second episode of the series delves further into the bizarre relationship between Joan “The Chief” Koplan and her deputy, Denis Croft. Who used to be a woman.

The show starts with Denis explaining everything he goes through in order to transition from female to male. He’s taking testosterone, he binds his chest, and he has a faux penis that he pees out of. Denis then talks about how everybody in the company is “pretty good” about using the male pronoun with him — except for Chief, his boss Joan Koplan, who still refers to him as a female.

The main focus of this episode is the batcrackers relationship between Joan and Denis. Denis seems awfully devoted — in kind of an S&M way — to Joan. At one point, he literally brushes the crumbs off her shirt. Also, he makes her a cup of peanut butter and Cool Whip, which actually sounds kind of delicious.








When asked about the nature of his relationship with Joan, Denis very matter-of-factly says that “she’s the love of my life.” He goes on to explain that he believes he and Joan were married in another life and she was once an Egyptian princess. So naturally, he treats her like the princess he knows she is.

Joan seems nonplussed by this, but nevertheless, the two spend an awful lot of private time together. Does this bother Joan’s husband Irwin? Well, Irwin’s got bigger problems.

He’s been tasked with trying to get the security company more business. The only trouble is, his mojo is gone. So he starts taking testosterone, too. And it works! He scores a major contract with a local convention center. Joan is beaming with pride at his win, and tells him, “Why don’t you come in my office and we’ll fuck or somethin’.” Thankfully, Irwin doesn’t take her up on the offer.

Plus, we learn about how Joan and Irwin came to be: They met in NYC in 1968, and Joan was initially not very interested in him. But after another boyfriend turned out to be in the mafia, Joan called up Irwin and decided to marry him. “My grandmother told me he was a good man and I’d learn to love him.” And she did.








But that doesn’t mean that she and Denis don’t have a, uh, very special relationship. Denis explains that he and Chief felt an immediate connection.”We shared mutual sexual energy that transferred through the air. It turned us on so much that we mutually masturbated in different places.” Whaaaaaaaat?

What does Irwin think about this? “Before Lietenant Croft was here, Joan and I handled every aspect of the company. He was able to lighten the load.”

“So basically your life has gotten easier because he’s in love with your wife?” asks a producer off camera.

“Well, yes.”

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