Ladies! Hello! I know I’m three and half months early for Halloween, but that doesn’t matter. Why not grab the bull by the horns, and start talking scare tactics? Scare tactics for your boyfriend, that is. Now, as to why you’d want to scare your boyfriend, where even to begin? He misbehaved? He was rude? He scared you? You’re bored and need something to do? You have your reasons. I’ll warn you beforehand, what I’ve done here is a bit of research among friends, women I know, and have known, and who will, of course, remain anonymous. I’ve asked what things they’ve done to scare their boyfriends, both intentionally and not. The lessons I’ve learned have been compiled and included below for your own edification. Happy scaring the piss out of your man!
1. I heart porn. In some mundane setting, mention your newly obsessive love of both porn and masturbation. Be, like, “Sweetie, can I be honest? I’m going to be honest: I’ve been masturbating a lot lately. Like, a lot. And, I mean, well, who knows why, exactly, right? Like, why now? I don’t know, really. It’s just, like, I always have those few hours to myself in the morning after you go to work, and I have been going hog wild. Anyway, a couple weeks ago, I was like, ‘I need some new inspiration,’ you know how it goes. And then I was like, ‘Well, what’s the Internet for, really, if not accessible porn? And I found some stuff that’s amaze-balls, my friend. AMAZE-BALLS. There was this one guy who … You know what? Screw it. There’s no time like the present, right? Let’s go watch it now.” Then just watch his face.
2. I heart weddings. From now on – at every wedding you attend – you’re going to sob. UNCONTROLLABLY. Every time you see that bride heading down the aisle, you’re going to sob, and through your heaving sobs you’re going to whisper – quietly but audibly – to your special guy, “It’s just so hard, you know? It’s so hard watching someone who is truly loved, who has someone who has committed to her in the most substantive way, it’s just so hard, you know, when … when … oh, never mind.”
This, to remind you, you’re doing more than once. You’re doing it a minimum of five times. Wedding season’s still in full swing, after all, so c’mon: Let’s get cracking.
An addendum: What I’ve just explained works only for unmarried couples. So if, perchance, you’re married and you’d like to apply these various, brilliant ideas to a guy who’s your husband, still do the whole sobbing thing, but then say this instead … (again, this is to be said while the bride is going down the aisle): “I just feel so compromised in our relationship. So compromised, and so very, very sad.”
3. Listen, baby. This one’s easy. Just turn abruptly toward your boyfriend, and, apropos of nothing, say, “A thing I know about myself is this: I don’t want to carry your child.”
4. Coffee talk. Wait until after the two of you have had some serious dispute, one in which he’s to blame. Wait one day, maybe two. Let the storm blow over, but not entirely, and then tell him this: “Oh! I forgot to tell you. I’m going for coffee with your mom. She and I decided to head out, just the two of us for a little ladies’ lunch, a little cawf-eee talk. And I know what you’re thinking: ‘Oh god: PLEASE don’t tell her about the stuff. About how I’ve been emailing my ex-girlfriend and, in the most subtle and insidious of ways, bitching to her about my relationship with you.’ Well, anyway, darling. Don’t worry. I won’t. Or, rather, I suppose I should say, ‘I’ll certainly try not to.’ Just like you told me you’ll try not to email your ex-girlfriend anymore.”