25 Of Our Deepest, Darkest Book Confessions

In honor of Rad Reads Weeks, The Frisky staff felt compelled to come clean about our weirdest, lamest, most embarrassing, most fucked up book-related secrets. We refuse to hold these in any longer. God, we have a lot of them…

1. “When she wasn’t looking, I rearranged the alphabetized book shelf of an OCD friend because she pissed me off.”

2. “I’ve lied to guys about reading the following books in their entirety when in actuality, I had only read a few pages/chapters:

  • The Sound And The Fury by William Faulker. My college boyfriend lent it to me. I didn’t understand what was going on and had no interest in trying to figure it out. Told him I loved it.
  • Beyond Good And Evil by Frederich Nietzsche. Another boyfriend lent it to me to read. I read one chapter, formed some strong opinions and then engaged in impassioned debate about it.
  • On The Road by Jack Kerouac. Just about every guy I’ve ever been attracted to looooovvvvveeeeesssss  this book. I got halfway through and wanted to vomit. I’ve never pretended to like it though.”

3. “I never really read any old white dudes until after college, because when I was in college I was into Women’s Studies and that was never part of the oeuvre. As such, I’ve missed out on reading a good portion of ‘the classics.'”

4. “I own that Linda Goodman astrology birthday book and sometimes look up a guy’s birthday profile when I’m into him.”

5. “Generally speaking, I hate most of the classics. I think they’re boring.”

6. “The only book my grandmother owned, Lucky Chances by Jackie Collins, is the first horny book I ever read. I would lock the door to her den and read all the dirty parts.”

7. “I first masturbated to Where Did I Come From?, which is a children’s picture book about sex that my parents read to me when I was five.”

8. “I waited in line at midnight, in Harry Potter glasses, to buy the last book in the series.”

9. “I have read so many of those badly written ‘Star Trek’ novels that they sell in the sci-fi section of the book store.”

10. “I’ve pretended not to have read and thoroughly enjoyed The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged. I’m sorry, I like them as fictional tales. But if I admit I like them, people will think I’m a staunch objectivist, which I totally am NOT.”

11. “I’ve kept a list of every single book I’ve read since the 6th grade.  I used to be ashamed of it because I thought people would think I was showing off if I pulled it out.  But now I realize that it’s actually cool to have a record of my reading that goes back that many years.”

12. “I have yet to read my own mother’s published book, which came out six years ago. It’s been on my to-do list for a while now.”

13. “When I really love a book, I read it over and over again, like I’ll finish it and then start it over. Sometimes, I kiss it when I’m done.”

14. “I like to pretend I’m really intellectual but I’m actually only really into Bret Easton Ellis, Jeffrey Eugenides, or any novels with/about excessive drug use and gratuitous descriptive violence even though I don’t really do drugs and cannot watch gory movies.”

15. “One time I sneezed on the subway and had nowhere to wipe my snot and had to use my book. It was borrowed from a friend. I forgot about snotting on it and returned it.”

16. “I will absolutely devour any book ever about a fucked up murder, fiction or non-fiction. I powered through both Helter Skelter and In Cold Blood in, like, three hours.”

17. “Most poetry makes me want to die inside, which is ironic because my best friend went to the Jack Keroauc School of Disembodied Poetics at Naropa, and is a bonafide, published poet.”

18. “I keep some of my college textbooks on my bookshelf to impress people who come over but I’m not sure anyone actually believes I read Communications Theory 201 for fun.”

19. “I tried reaching Thomas Pynchon’s Gravity’s Rainbow and HATED IT.”

20. “I bought the Unbearable Lightness of Being as a gift for a guy and wrote this nice inscription in it, then I realized I had misplaced my copy and kept it.”

21. “I’ve never read a book that someone got me as a gift (my book tastes are really specific and driven by my obsessive need to learn more about particular topics), but I always pretend I do. Sometimes I look up online summaries so I can participate in conversations about these unread gift books.”

22. “I have a boner for Eckhart Tolle.”

23. “A good, juicy Hollywood memoir is so much better to read than a great work of literature. My favorite being Motley Crue’s The Dirt. It’s told Babysitters Club style with each chapter written by a different dude in the band.”

24. “I really, really, actually loved Infinite Jest and have read it twice. And yes, that makes me sound pretentious. So I keep that to myself.”

25. “I’ve read Gone With the Wind about 20 times, but I always skip past the chunk of the book that takes place in Atlanta during the war because it is boring.

OK. We’ve unburdened ourselves and we feel so much better. Your turn to share your book confessions. Oh, and don’t forget to send us pictures of the books on your nightstand!