Dear Russian Bear Patrol Officer Vladilen Kavriy Who Sings Lullabies To Polar Bears,
First of all, can we talk about how rad it is that your job title is “Bear Patrol Officer”? Does it say that on your business cards? Do you have anyone to give business cards to in places where polar bears live? Anyway, I thought being a blogger was cool, but your job sounds way better.
Second of all, I think I’m in love with you.
I don’t even know what you look like. But I do know that you walked right up to these two polar bears and attempted to sing them to sleep with a lullaby. And it worked. Those bears could have gone all “Grizzly Man” on you but clearly you have a way with animals. Maybe you’ll have a way with this animal, too, wink wink. My ovaries are sputtering at the thought that you might bundle up our little Russian malyshka and serenade her with a sweet song like the one you sang to the polar bears.
I thought the drunk guy who sang “Kiss From A Rose” to his cat was the one for me. But Vladilen, I was wrong!
Yours (I hope),