“Miss Advised”: Desperation, Polyamory & So Much Goddamn Pink
Ohhhhhhh, last night’s episode of “Miss Advised” was so epically cringe-worthy that I have practically clipped the entire thing (shh, don’t tell Bravo!). And it wasn’t just Julia Allison who was providing the LULZ; Amy was fantastically bunny-boiling and Emily, who I actually think is quite likable, introduced a new friend, Polyamorous Kissing Sexpert Reid. All in all, the episode had me hiding behind a pillow, that’s how good it was. Let the crazy begin!
Let’s start with Emily, our sex radio host from San Francisco. Emily’s guest today is Reid, a polyamorous sexpert! Not to be a hater, but why do sooooo many polyamorous men look like that guy? He looks like Gary Busey’s cousin. My first instinct is that he is icky. He defines his “species” as “queer, polyamorous slut.” He makes a good point that part of the problem people have is that they fall in love with a species that’s wrong for them. He must suspect that Emily is of his species, because he invites her to participate in a kissing workshop at Good Vibrations and Emily, because she is game for anything, is like, “Sure, Alan Busey, I mean Reid, I guess I could be down for that.”
Julia is “hard” at “work” on her “Elle column” (note, I use quotations marks to denote the fact that I do not take these words/phrases seriously as they apply to Julia Allison). This week’s “Guinea Pig of Love” has Julia visiting with a witch. Yes, a witch. Now, they make their witches differently in LA, because this bitch, I mean, witch, wears all white, has sparkles on her face, feathers in her ears, sparkly Uggs on her feet, and appears to have stolen Gwen Stefani’s bangs from 1995. Julia is surprised to discover that she is pretty. She and Julia do some spells. Julia says she knows it sounds cheesy, but she is very spiritual and she totally believe in this stuff. I think Julia is about as spiritual as a bag of Britney Spears’ discarded hair extensions. The lengths this girl will go to to avoid therapy are astounding.
Emily, meanwhile, is Alan Busey’s, I mean Reid’s guinea pig. He is going to demonstrate his kissing techniques on her. Emily says she once went to an orgasm retreat and had a bunch of people massaging her clit so this is no big deal. Reid is not teaching your average kissing techniques, he is teaching full body kissing and I suppose he is maybe giving some good advice but I cannot get past the Busey resemblance, I’m sorry. And, oh yeah, when it comes time for their makeout demonstration, he warns her that he twitches when he gets turned on. And he does! He twitches! He has kissing Tourette’s! (Second clip in the player above.) Does the fact that I puked in my mouth a little make me a bad person?
Let’s devote a little time to Amy now. Amy, our matchmaker in New York City, is still thinking about Lewis, the younger guy she went out with in the first episode who she shamed for eating chicken pot pie. Lewis finally calls her and asks her to go salsa dancing and, I swear, the look on Amy’s face — a mixture of restrained glee and subtle fury — is so unhinged. That girl is one breakup away from wandering through the desert searching for Celestia. On their date (second clip), it’s revealed that Lewis didn’t actually go weeks without calling her, as I had assumed, but only a couple days and Amy knows she shouldn’t confront him about it — because what’s to confront?! — but she does anyway, coming across like a passive aggressive lunatic. Lewis must really want to get laid because he lets it slide. Amy, girl, if you’re reading this: the guy is a dope, is too young for you, and also, GET IT TOGETHER.
So Julia, fresh off her seance with the Witch Of Juicy Couture, has not heard from William, her date from last week, so she decides to call him and ask him to go horseback riding. (On a Friday afternoon. In Temecula. Which is three hours or so from LA. Only people who don’t have jobs would propose such a outing.) Julia lives every day like it is Halloween or a drag ball, so she naturally decides to don a pink cowboy hat and pink cowboy boots which no doubt made William’s penis shrivel. After horseback riding (I didn’t bother to show you that because it was boring) Julia and William go wine tasting and proceed to get very drunk. [I am still waiting for the rest of the video clips to process so I am using hilarious screenshots in their place for now.] One thing I will say about Julia is that she wasn’t going to let the fact that her date was a total bore ruin her afternoon. But he was a total bore she was desssssssssperate to make out with, throwing herself at him in the car with as much drunken ferocity as she did with the guy in the first episode of the show. It is soooo painfully awkward. Girlfriend never learns.
Emily must have made Alan Busey/Reid twitch somethin’ fierce because he’s invited her over to the love den he shares with his polyamorous partner. The three of them sit amongst the abundant throw pillows and nurse hot cups of chai tea as Reid and his rather butch lover propose having sex together. All three of them. I am glad I was never a fan of chai tea because this scene would ruin it for me. Emily, as adventurous as she may be, does not want to have a threesome with Alan Busey and his lesbian girlfriend. She is just not that open-minded.
Last but not least, Julia has headed to the beach to discard some talisman of the brokenhearted that the Witch of Juicy Couture gave her. It is made of wood and Julia is shocked to discover it floats. It keeps coming ashore and she keeps tossing it in the ocean, as if its physical properties will change mid-air if she just wishes hard enough. This, actually, is kind of metaphor for Julia Allison herself, don’t you think?