Girl Talk: Fine, Here’s The Real Reason I Dumped You

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Inspired by #ICantDateYou trending on Twitter last week, I thought it would be fun to reveal the truth behind why I dumped some of my exes.

I’ve been dumped quite a bit in my life, but I’ve also been the dumper. Neither scenario is fun, but I think I’d rather be the one getting dumped than the one doing the dumping. There’s just too much guilt being the dumper. Most of the time, the guy didn’t see it coming so I tried to let him down gently. I came up with all kinds of excuses like “I’m not ready for the kind of relationship you want” or “You deserve someone better,” the latter being a bold faced lie. I mean, you don’t dump someone who’s too good for you! If you have half a brain in your head, you’ll ride that gravy train for as long as possible. Duh. The vague “It’s not you, it’s me” was a popular one but I usually stuck with “I think we should see other people.”  I just left out “… because you [insert deal breaker here].”

My personal favorite non-confrontational-possibly-passive-aggressive way of dumping someone was simply never returning their phone calls. It’s amazing how a few days of radio silence really got my point across, but you can only get away with that when the relationship is still relatively new. If you have a connection with the guy, you have to provide some explanation, but under no circumstances can you tell the whole truth.

Until now…

You have stupid tattoos: I personally think a stupid tattoo only goes to show just how stupid you really are. If you have something in Sanskrit emblazoned across your back and you’re not entirely sure what it means because you don’t understand Sanskrit but saw it on the wall at the tattoo shop on the boardwalk and/or woke up with it one morning after a crazy night out with your boys, then not only are you a poser but you also can’t hold your liquor which is grounds for dismissal in and of itself.  If you have your own name tattooed on your arm BACKWARDS, you’re an idiot. There’s simply no way around it. If you have something along the lines of monkeys having sex with unicorns, cartoon characters, or what could loosely be called a “portrait,” it’s over before it even started. Fantasy bestiality, the Tasmanian Devil, and a bad rendition of your mother’s face are clear indicators that you have a tendency to make bad decisions that will have long term impact and no woman in her right mind wants a man like that.

You were too “metro”: Remember when I explained Why We Can’t Resist an A-hole? This falls into the same category.  If you’re more “high maintenance” than I am, we have a serious problem. I would actually prefer a grunting Neanderthal over a man who wears scarves, uses eye cream, and takes longer to get ready than I do. Although I’ll enjoy the décor in your apartment completely furnished by Restoration Hardware, I can’t overlook the fact that your dog fits neatly into your man-purse. On the plus side, if I ever need decorating tips, an accessory to pull an outfit together, or a remedy for the bags under my eyes, I’ll know who to call. And in the words of the “Golden Girls,” thank you for being a friend.

You look terrible naked: I know this one is completely shallow but I’m not sorry. While everyone WANTS to believe “it’s what’s on the inside that counts,” let’s face it, if a guy takes off his shirt and he’s got big giant cookie nipples, I’m going to vomit. Especially if they’re adorned with a wreath of hair. Beer bellies and saddle bags also fall into this category. You should not look like you’re pregnant unless you are pregnant – this goes for both guys and girls. And you should not have child bearing, womanly hips if you also have a penis. Not only is it unattractive, it’s also anatomically incorrect.

Your penis is small: Sex is a very important part of a relationship. At least it is for me. Perhaps other women feel differently and perhaps those are the women you should try to date. Being below average isn’t acceptable to me in any category so your penis is no different. Even if you have outstanding bedroom skills, if the thought “is it in?” ever crosses my mind, we simply aren’t compatible. And no, for the record, I don’t have a cavernous vagina.

You cried too much: I’m all for a man who’s in touch with his feelings but there’s a limit. Crying because you’re dog passed away is perfectly acceptable. Crying because your father is dying is completely understandable. But crying because I’m breaking up with you is only additional evidence that our relationship isn’t going to work out. Here’s a Kleenex; I’ll show myself to the door. Hiding in the bushes outside my apartment and emerging suddenly as I approach the front door to tell me between sobs how much you love me is disturbing and grounds for a restraining order. I’m flattered that you care about me so much, but Ted Bundy probably felt the same way about his victims.

So to all my ex boyfriends out there, regardless of the duration or intensity of our relationship, all of the above are the real reasons why you got dumped. Knowing you like I do, you’re probably thinking “Ha! There’s no way she’s talking about me!” Keep in mind this is not an all inclusive list; the aforementioned reasons are just the highlights. One of the reasons that didn’t make the cut was You Lacked Self Awareness. So rest assured, I’m definitely talking about you.

Kate’s Dates is a column that runs every other Wednesday on Kate-book.com. It is written by the lovely Kate Richlin-Zack, who majored in engineering to pick up guys. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

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