An Open Letter to Mayor Bloomberg

An Open Letter to Mayor Bloomberg:

I’m sorry, but with all due respect, sir, ARE YOU MY MOTHER? You know, the one that still won’t allow me to drink caffeine after 4 p.m. because it will “keep me up”?

No, no Mayor Bloomberg, you sure as hell are not, so why would you ever think that you can tell me what size soda I am allowed to order at McDonalds, or the movie theater, or anywhere else in New York City?

I know you don’t know me, nor will you most likely ever know me, but there is something very important you must know about me. I live off of Coca-Cola. I eat, breathe and dream of Coke. I tweet about Coke. I write about Coke. I am Coke. And I will not let you try and change me, my beverage consumption, or my weight with your soda ban.

I hope you know that drinking Coke is not something I just indulge in once in a while. I drink Coke in order to stay sane. How do you think I fought so many tears every Tuesday and Friday after only being able to say “Hola” and “No sé” in my college exit-level Spanish class? How do you think I prevented myself from punching a wall whenever that super cute guy hasn’t texted me back after a full five minutes? How do you think I made it out of Texas alive in that damn heat? An Extra-Large Coke, Mayor Bloomberg. That’s how.

If you choose to take away my Extra-Large Cokes, you might as well take away my air. You should also consider taking away large slices of pizza, and maybe those fattening Frappacinos at Starbucks, too. You know what? You should just take away every kind of food and drink! That way, obesity will be gone for good!

While you take away my sustenance, you can take away my freedom of choice. Oh, and here is my wallet. You can take out whatever you need to contribute to the 2.8 million dollars you have spent on your campaign linking soda to obesity. Be sure to pay no mind to the fact that from 1999 to 2010, full-calorie soda sales declined 12.5 percent while obesity rates went up.

So, Mayor Bloomberg, do you think you could possibly reconsider another tactic to fight obesity? Maybe you could, I don’t know, spend 2.8 million dollars on education for health and exercise, and leave my sanity and my Extra-Large Coke alone to celebrate each other in sugary, bubbly heaven?

This is not goodbye,

Daley Quinn

[CBS News]