Dear Candice Sortino,
I know you are facing criminal charges for the recent stunt you pulled at the College Baseball World Series in Omaha, Nebraska. When asked why you made a mad dash out on to the field to pinch two baseball players’ butts you responded “Because there were so many people watching and it’s against the rules and you get tackled too.” You rebellious little minx. I know you think that you got “caught up in the moment” and made a mistake, but I, for one disagree.
You did the thing that any impassioned woman would have done if she had the courage. Baseball players have nice butts! And goosing people is fun! I’ve never had the gall to play “squeeze butts” anywhere but a crowded bar. And I’ve never done it if I thought I would get caught. But look at you! So young and so empowered! Not giving a f**k! Objectifying hot men! I admire a young woman — you’re still in high school?! — with moxie. I want to be your friend. Or maybe I’m too old to be considered your friend. I would say I would want to be your mentor, but I think you are the one who has wisdom to share with me. Teach me your bold, butt-pinching ways, grasshopper. And here’s hoping that you manage to stay out of the slammer.