Julia Allison Breaks Down — “They Call Me Donkey” — On “Miss Advised”

By: Amelia McDonell-Parry / July 3, 2012

I watched last night’s episode of “Miss Advised” from the American Airlines terminal bar at San Francisco’s airport while tossing back three glasses of prosecco before my red eye flight. It was really quite perfect. I had been looking forward to this episode, in as much as it’s possible to look forward to an episode of “Miss Advised,” because previews indicated it would feature Julia Allison reading her hate site in the company of a love coach named Annie Lala. As a regular reader of that hate site — Reblogging Donk, read it, it’s hilarious — I was eager to see how it would be presented and how it would fit into Julia’s storyline.

But first! Julia had a date with her manager, who she says is a good friend and that he also secures writing assignments for her. (Do “journalists” usually have someone else getting them work? Just curious.) But before they could get down to business, Julia vents bout the no good very bad day she’s been having. It seems a Page Six reporter had emailed her to either confirm or deny a rumor that Julia’s ex boyfriend — JACK MCCAIN, SON OF SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN WHO RAN FOR PRESIDENT — dumped her because he caught her snooping through his emails and phone. This, Julia insists, is straight up lies! She broke up with Jack because he was being stationed in Guam and she didn’t think she could pursue her dreams while he was pursuing his. Or something.

There wouldn’t be much point to discussing the hows and whys of their breakup if not a for a few things: 1) Another excuse to namedrop the McCain name, and 2) to allude to people being “out to get” Julia by spreading lies about her. The latter is clearly to illicit sympathy from viewers which, based on the reactions I’ve seen to the show on the web, Julia reallllllly needs. But more on that shortly.

Back to Manager Steven, who’s requested to meet with Julia about her Elle.com writing gig because he heard back from her editor about her first assignment and that the consensus is it’s just “fine.” Steven, who, if I may remind you, is a manager not an editor, has tons of feedback on Julia’s piece, mostly that she comes off as phony. Ya think? Julia insists she is doing her best. Steven says that if that’s the case, they are fucked.

I should probably take a moment to talk about the other two women who are this show, Emily and Amy. Amy’s scenes I skipped through because as much as I think Julia is THE WORST, Amy makes me viscerally uncomfortable. It kind of amazes me that a woman who is so desperately insecure could be a successful matchmaker. I did notice that she went on a date in this episode and was bothered that he talked about his apartment so much. This from the woman who shamed her last date for ordering chicken pot pie.

Emily, meanwhile, has headed back to her hometown and is excited to go on a date with a guy she had a crush on in high school who is recently divorced. Her friend is setting them up, but she’s so enthusiastic about it that I can’t help but wonder if SHE has the crush on the dude and is just in denial. Do you remember that Sweet Valley High book where Elizabeth Wakefield tries to set up Jeffrey French with her BFF Enid and she’s sooooo insistent about it that Enid is finally like, “Dude, it’s totally obvi that YOU are in love with Jeffrey French?” That’s what this reminded me of.

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Last but not least, Emily finally has her big date with the Guy From High School and he is cute! Her date gets off to a weird start, though, as Guy From High School seems to think that going out with a sexpert means that talking about anal sex is an appropriate topic of first date conversation. And Emily, who is truly the only tolerable person on this shit show, flips the script on him by saying that many men like to be anally penetrated by their girlfriends. Guy From High School appears to be titillated by the topic of pegging, because he goes in for a kiss. Julia and the Other Sad Lady (Amy) need to take notes.