Who Should Katie Holmes Date/Tom Cruise Hire Next?

Ding dong the alien husband is dead! Katie Holmes is free at last to roam the earth as a normal human woman again. Rejoice! Now that her marriage contract is up and she’s announced that she’s divorcing Tom, she’s available to date normal human men again. She could pick up right where she left off and go back to her former fiancé, Chris Klein. Only, in the time that she’s been fulfilling her wifely requirements, Chris has been racking up DUIs and stuff. So …probably not. And Tom? Well, we assume he’ll be putting out a help wanted ad for a young ingenue whose career needs a boost. Must love Scientology! After the jump, we have some suggestions for them.

For Katie:

  • Katie could be the polyamorous third in the marriage of Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban. That way, she could see her step-children and the three of them can commiserate about Tom. It would be fun.
  • Jake Gyllenhaal is everyone’s rebound boyfriend.
  • Katie is an athletic gal. And the Olympics are coming up. Duh, Ryan Lochte.
  • We think Adam Levine is hard up just about now.
  • There are so many hot, single Chrises (besides Klein) that Katie could go for. Chris Pine. Chris Evans … or any Chris who has played a superhero in the past few years.
  • Katie needs a prince. Maybe Prince Harry will take her since she’s already proved she can be discreet.

For Tom:

  • If Tom buys Amber Heard a horse, he may be able to ride off in the sunset with her right under Johnny Depp’s nose.
  • Why doesn’t Tom just be with John Travolta? They can leave the Church and rejoin humanity as a gay men and everyone will be happy BUT Xenu.
  • Perhaps a wife contract and Narconon could cure what ails Paz de la Huerta.
  • Lea Michele wants to break into movies.
  • And Carly Rae Jepsen probably wants to break into acting.
  • New book title: How Jennifer Love Hewitt shot Xenu.
  • Does Tom offer 72-day contacts? If so, Kim Kardashian may be free.

That’s our best yenta work for today. Please give us your suggestions in the comments.