This weekend, I went to the T-Mobile store to upgrade my smart phone to a smarter phone (nope, still don’t have an iPhone, whatever, shut up). I hadn’t gotten a new phone for awhile, so when the T-Mobile guy came over to help me, I asked if I was eligible for an upgrade. He stared back at me incredulously and said, “Upgrade? What are you talking about?” I repeated my question, explaining that in the past my plan had included a discounted or free phone every year or so. “I don’t understand,” he said. “Upgrade? What does that mean?” We went back and forth about the meaning of the word “upgrade” for a couple minutes, before he finally sighed dramatically and said, “Look, you just pick the phone you want and pay for it. There’s no such thing as an upgrade.” Awkward, right? But wait, that’s not the only cringeworthy moment I’ve had with my cell phone providers over the years. Check out four more, after the jump…
1. Back in the day, when I was with Verizon, my relatively new phone was only holding a charge for an hour at a time, so I took it in to get it looked at. The store was busy and the guy at the counter was obviously not in the best mood, so I tried to be extra nice as I explained the problem and handed him my phone. He made a little grumbling noise, then set my phone down, walked over to the wall, and started banging his head against it.
2. A few months ago, I brought my phone in to the T-Mobile store for some reason I can’t remember. In the process of adjusting my phone’s settings, the tech guy hit some magical button that pulled up the last text message I’d sent, which happened to be a graphic, capital-letters recounting of a dream I’d had the night before, which happened to involve Peter Dinklage and a sordid night of pleasure at a maraschino cherry packing plant. The guy’s eyes locked on the text. His jaw dropped. I grabbed my phone and ran.
3. You know how the first thing they ask you when you walk into a cell phone store is for your phone number so they can look up your account? One time, this guy asked for my number as I walked in, and he was smirking and wearing copious amounts of hair gel, but I gave it to him anyway because he was wearing a name tag. He looked up my account, vaguely answered my questions, and then, as I was leaving, he was like, “So, can I call you?” “No,” I said. “You definitely can’t.”
4. Once I called the Verizon customer service line to ask a question about roaming charges. The operator said, “Hello ma’am, can I get your name?” “Winona,” I said. “Hi Banana,” she said, “What can we do for you today?” She was so perky and confident that I couldn’t bring myself to correct her. For the duration of the call I was Banana. For the rest of my life, I will remember that call, and try to be the best Banana I can be.