Oh, where to begin, where to begin? “Miss Advised,” Bravo’s new show about dating experts who don’t actually know anything about dating, started episode two with good news for unemployed dating columnist Julia Allison — she’s been “offered” a “job” “writing” for Elle! After working as a “journalist” for 10 years, this is her dream job! What luck! What’s not mentioned, of course, is that her “job” with Elle was arranged for her by Bravo. Duh, whatever, the arrangement is exposure for Elle so I can’t hate on anyone for pulling strings. Except that even a fake-ish gig is too much for Julia Allison to handle, who breaks down in tears after her totally cringe-worthy call with her new editor, who requested that she come up with some ideas for her column. The stress and fear that she might fail is too much. Why did her mom have to set such high expectations for success by being a speech writer for Nixon?
Julia pulls herself together and goes to pick up her new car — a convertible Mercedes, natch — for her big meeting with her Elle editor, a guy named Keith Pollack. At their lunch, Julia talks and talks and talks and talks some more, and says she wants to do a column called “Guinea Pig Of Love,” in which she consults with a variety of sources — a psychic, tarot card reader, and may I suggest, a therapist — about finding the love of her life. In her column she would chronicle these meetings as well as her dates. When Keith says she should get her first column to him by Friday — which suggests that their meeting was earlier in the week and that she had a few days to get it done — she has the nerve to tell him she can’t meet that deadline because she has to unpack. Seriously. I wonder if Julia would be impressed that my deadline for recapping her horrible show is 12 hours after it airs? Now, it’s recently come to light that shortly after this scene was taped, Keith left Elle – it’s unclear whether he quit or was laid off/fired, but I wouldn’t blame him for quitting seeing as his job had suddenly become babysitting Julia Allison. Anyhoo.
Worth noting: Julia’s first column for Elle? The one she was on “tight deadline” for when this episode was filmed, months and months ago? That column did not appear on Elle’s website until last week. This journalist is on to you, Julia!
I’m tired of writing about Julia for the moment, so let’s jump ahead to NYC matchmaker Amy for a few. Amy is on an ice skating date with a guy named Lewis, who is younger than her. After ice skating, they go for dinner and Amy shows she has serious food issues by balking at Lewis suggesting they have chicken pot pie. She also doesn’t want whipped cream on her hot chocolate. It’s cocoa, sister, live a little. (In a previous scene, Amy was seen working out at the gym, FYI.) This scene actually made me sad. Amy is fucking annoying, but I almost think she’s the most insecure person on the show. She appears to be successful in her career, she is very pretty, and yet, watching her on the date with Lewis, I felt like I was watching an awkward child. I hope Amy gets it together. Also, Lewis seems like a doofus.
Back to Julia! Other Julia is dating a guy who can’t read and therefore Julia wants him to set her up with a friend. He has just the guy in mind. In another scene, Guy Who Can’t Read brings over his friend Chris — who is totally hot and appears to be more intelligent — and the four of them play volleyball on the beach. I am not going to bother clipping that because it was boring. Julia and Chris go for a walk on the beach and she is led to believe that he is interested in her because this is not a contrived scenario at all.
Part two of their date involved, DUH, playing spin the bottle. The two Julias came up with this genius idea beforehand, because adult women need props to instigate makeout sessions. Problem is that when the bottle says Chris and Julia have to kiss (it’s the rules!!!!), Chris only gives her his cheek. Other Julia and Guy Who Can’t Read decide to show off by making out inappropriately in front of them and all this does is fuel Julia’s desperate neeeeeeeed to make out with Chris, who just IS NOT HAVING IT. Julia is not having it either because she refuses to give up and ughhhhhh, the clip really just speaks for itself. It’s pretty obvious that Julia is pretty drunk in this scene. Back story for non-JA followers: one of her “things” is that she never drinks and when she does, she chronicles how much she drinks down to the sip. Me thinks she had about 1000 too many sips on this particular evening. Cringe. (There are two clips above, BTW.)
Okay, and now to end on a sexy note. Emily, the sex radio host from San Francisco, is on a date with some rapper guy name Ray Luv. I actually kind of like Ray Luv, and here is why. Dude at least comes off as authentic and not one single person on this show so far has seemed remotely real to me except for him. Sure, he took Emily to a strip club for their first date. And yes, he encouraged her to slap some stripper’s ass. But Ray Luv, in all his inappropriateness, at least was being legit. Legit gross, but hey, I’ll take it.