Real talk: a lot of people are really bad at selling themselves online dating. Have you seen OK Cupid Enemies? Have you read Annals Of Online Dating? From their profile pics to their self-descriptions to their harebrained “what up girl i wanna get wit u” messages, they almost make it too easy.
Too easy to stay single, I mean.
So I’m going to suggest something uncomfortable: I’m going to suggest you show your online dating profile, everything in your online dating profile, to a trusted friend and ask for an honest assessment of what you’re doing wrong.
If you’re a little clueless about your profile, a friend can tell you:
1. Your pictures suck. You have the cold-eyed glare of a psychopath. Your pictures show you 10 years and 20 lbs. ago. You look stupid in that handlebar mustache. (Trust me, you look stupid in that handlebar mustache.) If a trusted friend thinks a pic you’ve chosen doesn’t portray you in the best light, then its best to prune it from the online dating tree.
2. You’re whiny. If your profile says anything remotely close to “Girls on here only seem to date me for a free meal” or “Guys on here only care about getting laid,” you are whiny. Your grievances may well be entirely true, but no one want to date someone who sounds bitter.
3. You’re creepy. Everyone likes sex. Everyone. OK, not asexuals. But everyone else likes sex. So you don’t need to mention it more than once in a profile — if even. The more you mention how interested you are in sex, the more you sound horny in a sad way.
4. You’re too vague. Purposefully oblique profiles about how you’re a Renaissance man with a heart of gold and need a partner in crime for adventures only tell us you have a good command of Thesaurus.com. Plus, loading your profile with keywords helps potential love interests find you in an online search.
5. Your music/movie/book tastes come off as pretentious. Refined tastes are fine. “If you’ve never read everything David Foster Wallace has ever written, I really can’t date you” is a one-way ticket to Lonely Masturbator Land. I’m a utter and complete bookworm, but I wouldn’t want to date someone who is show off-y about his schmancy tastes.
6. You’re misrepresenting your height/weight/salary/interests. I once went on a date with an overweight guy who described his body type as “athletic,” presumably because he plays softball. My profile says I enjoy yoga, even though it’s been over a year since I actually saw a mat. Little white lies? Maybe. Or you could say they are just lies.
7. Your online dating handle is just plain weird. A favorite past time in The Frisky offices is cracking up over the weird online dating handles that men who message us online have chosen. They think they’re being funny. We are just plain scared. You have to wonder, will “BettyDrapersAnus” ever get laid? (This seems to be primarily a dude problem from what I have seen.)
8. You sound less awesome than you are in reality. Not everyone is gifted with the art of salesmanship and that’s okay. But if you want your profile to stand out, first you have to learn how to sell yourself. Think of it like writing a resume for a very sexy job interview, except Match.com is your resume and your first bonus will be oral sex.