Help Me, Please: A Mayonnaise Addict

Those near and dear to me know the thing I hate most in the world: mayonnaise. That evil beast of a condiment. Sorry if you are a mayonnaise lover and I’ve offended you. I have good reason though. When I as in high school, I worked at Mrs. Fields. It’s bakery and sandwich shop for those of you who are unfamiliar. Anyhow, one of the things I was responsible for was something called “flipping the deli.” This is when you take the sandwich ingredients stored in those metal bins and you give them a “flip” so that no one part of the ingredient is out in the open air for too long. One of these ingredients was mayonnaise. If you’ve never had the great pleasure of “flipping” a vat of mayonnaise, here’s what you need to know: It forms a brown crust after only minutes of air exposure. And I cannot tolerate this brown crust. It scares the crap out of me and I’ve not eaten mayonnaise since. OK, that’s the backstory. Onwards to the real story. There exists a woman with a mayonnaise addiction. Of course there does. But, NOOOOOOOOOO!

Not only does she put the stuff on all (and I mean all) of her food, but Philippa Garfield of London uses mayonnaise in her tea, moisturizes her face and body with it, shampoos with it, and shaves with it. I’m hyperventilating a little bit. This is worse than the woman who was addicted to drinking her own urine. [Oddity Central]