My boyfriend Nick is an old man trapped in a 26-year-old’s body. He’s usually in his pajama pants by 7:30 p.m., it’s not uncommon for him to use the phrase “Why is everyone in such a hurry?” while driving, and his knowledge of pop culture is mostly limited to the “House Party” trilogy. This is why I was shocked when “Call Me Maybe,” the ridiculously catchy song by Carly Rae Jepsen, came on the radio the other day and Nick started listing off some interesting facts about the song and its singer. Too bad none of them were even close to being true. I have no idea where he gets his information, but in any case, here are five things my boyfriend genuinely believes to be true about Carly Rae Jepsen…
1. Her name is Penny Lee Johnson. Whenever “Call Me Maybe” comes on the radio, which happens approximately every 10 minutes, Nick gets really excited and says, “Hey! It’s that song by what’s her face … Penny Lee Johnson!” Just FYI: he also thinks Paramore’s Hayley Williams’ name is Hayley Oatmeal.
2. She’s 45 years old. After totally bungling her name, Nick puts on his conspiracy theorist hat and starts insisting that Carly is secretly a middle-aged woman. I asked if he’d ever seen a picture of her. “No,” he said, “but everyone’s talking about it.” The reality? She was born in 1985. So was I. Awkward.
3. She has five children. “Apparently everyone’s mad because she leaves her kids at home to go out clubbing all the time.” Again, when asked to define “everyone,” Nick was unable to identify his sources.
4. She’s been married three times. I guess her previous husbands weren’t too happy about her nonchalant attitude about giving out her phone number?
5. “Call Me Maybe” includes the lyric, “All the other boys, they try to change me.” The actual lyric is “All the other boys, they try to chase me,” but Nick always sings it as “change me” and then looks at me earnestly and says, “Aww that’s a really good message for teenagers: find a guy who doesn’t try to change you.” It would totally be a good message. Except it’s not in the song.