It’s Murphy’s Law of unexpected sex: If you are wearing the most unfortunate/unflattering/complicated article of clothing, you will be getting laid. If you get all dolled up in your favorite “f**k me” outfit with your wrinkle-proof dress, new La Perla lingerie and freshly shaved legs it’s almost a guarantee that no man will so much as glance at you. But put on your pajamas to go get toilet bowl cleaner at the drug store, and the hottest man you’ve ever seen will invite you over to his place. Why? We don’t know. This is just how spontaneous sex happens. It’s not fair. But life isn’t fair. You have to roll with it. Hike up those PJ pants and pray he doesn’t notice the chocolate stains. After all, you never know when you’ll have the opportunity again. The worst things you can be wearing when the penis of your dreams arises …
1. A jumpsuit. The thing about jumpsuits are that they are really cute on, but extremely difficult to get off. That, and you have to get completely naked just to take a piss. They are basically the adult equivalent of wearing a onesie. Just not sexy. No offense adult baby fetishists, that was not a slam.
2. Flats or sneakers without socks. They might look cute with your outfit, but let’s be honest, your feet smell in there. Especially if you’ve been wearing them all day. Is your object of desire really ready for your foot odor? Unless you prefer to do it with your shoes on, I guess you’ll just have to find out how keen his sense of smell is.
3. Your ripped or period stained undies. There are two categories of underwear in every woman’s drawer: The sexy undies and the ones you should throw away but you don’t because you can wear them when you have your period or run out of clean, sexy undies. You will be wearing the latter when he pulls off your pajama bottoms. You’ll shrug and say, “It’s laundry day.” And continue on with business. Because that’s how all of womankind would want it.
4. A sports bra. Maybe you just came from the gym and he has the added bonus of getting to know what you smell like after you work out. Or maybe you just like to wear sports bras because they’re comfie. They are! Whatever the reason, I don’t have to tell you that sports bras do nothing good for your tits. Like that’s ever stopped a man. He won’t notice, but you will never forget.
5. That dress that wrinkles when you look at it. Those $22 dresses from Forever 21 are super cute and affordable! And you can hardly tell they are 100 percent rayon until a guy rips the dress off and throws it on the bedroom floor. Trust, your walk of shame the next day will be unbearable in that wrinkled mess.
6. Spanx. Taking off Spanx before sex is like peeling a sausage out of its casing. Arduous. Spanx are like a modern-day chastity belt; they must be removed to get the bits. Peel away, lady.
7. A body suit. There was a reason these went out of style a long time ago. Why on earth are they back? Having to unsnap fabric to free up your vaginal reason is a crime. It’s not worth it for the look of a perfectly tucked in top. Yet, if it has to be done, it has to be done. But not without cringing.
8. The white T-shirt with the pit stains. Any white tee that you’ve had for more than two years has yellow pit stains. Make that one year if you sleep in it. Even if you bleach the shit out if, those pit stains remain. This is the shirt you’ll be wearing when Don Juan approaches you in the cleaning aisle. I hope you’re wearing deodorant at the very least. If luck is on your side, you’ve showered and shaved your armpits in the last 24 hours. Unless you like your pits hairy, in which case … good for you.