7 Things I Learned From The Season Premiere Of “Hell’s Kitchen”

Regular Frisky readers know that I have a weird obsession with watching cooking shows. I don’t know why. I don’t cook. No one in my family cooks. I like to eat, but I think most people in the world feel the same way. I think chefs are hot and sometimes I watch cooking shows to look for potential dates, but still, that doesn’t entirely explain my obsession. Put me in front of a cooking show, any cooking show, and you’ll find me transfixed.

Cooking show season is officially in full swing, which means I’ve cleared my schedule. At the moment I’m watching “Chopped,” “Master Chef,” and “Hell’s Kitchen.” I’ve also been recommended “Around The World In 80 Plates” and  “Food Network Star.” How many cooking shows can I watch at once without being considered crazy? I guess I’ll find out. The most epically trashy of the cooking show premieres was Season 10 of “Hell’s Kitchen” with my favorite chef sex object, Gordon Ramsay. Someday I plan to write “Hell’s Kitchen” erotic fan fiction with Gordon as the dom. It would just be too easy. Anyway, I’m getting off topic. Here are the important things I learned from the episode (spoilers ahead!)…

1. Sous chef, Scott Leibfried, isn’t naturally bald. He shaved his head as a show of dedication to Gordon. And he’s still super hot. They did this bit at the beginning where they planted fake contestants and Scott told everyone they had to shave their heads to show how bad they wanted to win. Sous chef Andi put on a bald cap and two of the implants actually shaved their heads before Scott told them they were being punked. It was like an “ANTM” makeover show, but so much better.

2. A perfectly seared scallop feels like the tip of a penis. Some cooking wisdom from the female contestants. They bleeped it out, but I’m pretty sure they were saying d**k. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to order scallops again without remembering that.

3. Men are dumb.This wasn’t something I gleaned from their behavior or anything. Former winner Rock said it as he was preparing steak for the girl’s team after their win. He said they had the edge to win because “men are dumb.” Great advice, Rock!

4. Wearing white, skinny jeans to cook isn’t the best idea. Hell, I don’t even wear white when I eat because I am a slob. But when the boys (the losing team) were sent to clean up the kitchen, Tavon commented that he couldn’t clean in white, skinny jeans. But he could cook in them? If you call butchering a bunch of scallops into oblivion and then getting eliminated “cooking.”

5. There’s a city called Nut Bush in Lousiana. That’s where contestant Kimmie hails from. That is all.

6. The more cocky the chef, the more often he refers to himself in the third person. Royce made me notice this. He kept saying stuff like, “Royce doesn’t quit.” “Royce can cook circles around these other chefs.” It’s generally weird when someone refers to him or herself in the third person. It’s like they have an ego that is so big that it has separated from the person and has its own voice. Royce isn’t the first chef to fall victim to third person boasting. It’s never a good sign though.

7. The cooking community is small when you start watching all of the cooking shows. I knew I recognized Roshni from somewhere. It wasn’t until she was hanging motionless on that zipline that I realized she won an episode of “Chopped.” I suppose I should expect more cooking show cross-sightings the more I continue to watch.