Attention, Men: This Is Why Women Hate Your Gross Apartment

Poor men. They’ve been sleepwalking through life trying not to screw up the first date or the first kiss. Those events are important, duh, but there is a booby trap lurking underfoot: The real big deal that dudes have to try not to screw up is the grand unveiling of his living quarters.

No, ladies are not judging the size of your place or whether you live in an apartment or a house.  What women really judge you on? When we meet a guy whose cute, smart, and funny and then his place is nasty and dirty. If your place looks like the “Jersey Shore” house at the end of the summer on a typical Tuesday night, we’ve got problems. Rather, you’ve got problems.

So, gather ’round men and grab your Scrubbing Bubbles. This is what women hate about your filthy apartment:

  • Overflowing, smelly trash. Just take it out already.
  • So much hair, dirt and dust on the bathroom floor that you don’t want to walk across it in wet, bare feet.
  • Beard hairs in the sink. 
  • Plates left out on tables coated with remnants of unknown sauce-like substances.
  • Plates piled up in the sink covered in crusty food. 
  • Moist and moldy bath towels.
  • Coffee tables and kitchen tables covered in ash.
  • No paper towels or hand towels in the kitchen. You do wash your hands before preparing food, right?
  • Toothpaste with no cap that has crusted over. EW.
  • Sink sponges that are so covered in crud that they belong in the trash. 
  • That thing people do where they fill an old container of hand soap with water instead of buying more soap.
  • Dog hair and cat hair coating every surface. We realize animals shed, but that’s what lint rollers are for.
  • Dirty socks on the couch or (ew) the bed. 
  • Raw food sitting on a plate exposed inside the fridge. You are not making us want to eat your cooking.
  • Rainbow-colored mold inside the toilet.
  • Egregious litter box stink.
  • Cat litter speckled across the floor. 
  • Ratty bath mats that look like they could use a good bleaching. 
  • Sweaty bedsheet stink.
  • Any collection or general quantity of stuff that suggests you will get a phone call from the producer of “Hoarders.”
  • If you’ve got kids, for heaven’s sake, wipe the Cheerio’s off the couch and throw some toys into the toy box. As much as we love kids, messy kids make us nervous.

Men, I know you are thinking, Ew, who could live like that?  YOU DO. Every single one of these suggestions was offered by a Frisky staff member based on something she’s seen in real life.  Are you just lazy?! Or were you bastards raised by wolves?!

Weekly or biweekly laundry sessions are amazing. Taking your garbage out every other day is the American way.  Wiping off coffee tables with antibacterial wipes takes 10 seconds and you could probably train your cat to do it. Candles work wonders for covering up weird smells. If all of this sounds ominous, you can surely find a cleaning person on Craigslist for anywhere from $30 to $100.  It’s worth it for all the poon you’ll be getting. Trust

Otherwise, we are warning you: You are being tagged and entered into the database as Undateable. The list exists.

Contact the author of this post at [email protected] Follow me on Twitter at @JessicaWakeman.

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