8 Reasons You Shouldn’t Listen To Song Lyrics For Help With Your Love Life

Musicians may have more sex than your average bear, but as the bad advice covered in these lyrics show, they may not always know what they’re talking about. The following are some egregious examples of misguided advice.

#1: This first bit of bad advice comes from Def Leppard’s hit, “Pour Some Sugar on Me.”

Correction: When you introduce overly sugary products into your lovemaking routine, you’re asking for trouble. The vagina has a very precise pH balance and anything that knocks it out of wack can cause a yeast or bacterial infection. So, no, Def Leppard. No.

#2: Though I’ve never actually heard the song, “Sexy Love,” by Ne-Yo, the lyrics, “Just one touch and I erupt” do not inspire confidence.

Though Ne-Yo brags that he covers her “like a volcano” after just one brush of the hand, the reality is that premature ejaculation can be a very frustrating thing for your partner. If you’re quick on the trigger like Ne-Yo, I’d quit advertising it and instead advise taking care of business solo earlier in the day to get it out of your system before you get busy with your lady friend. Nobody like s a two-pump chump.

#3: With those irrepressible Black Eyed Peas, Fergie sings on “My Humps,” “I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk/get you love drunk off my hump.”

Correction: I’ll admit that Fergie has some yummy looking lady lumps, but over-indulging in alcohol is not an acceptable accompaniment to foreplay. Judgment gets impaired, condoms can be discarded … all sorts of trouble can erupt.

#4: Oh, Jill Scott, you sloppy, sloppy, gal. In her song, “Love Rain,” Scott describes a no-no in post-beej etiquette, crooning,  “Love slipped from my lips, dripped down my chin and landed in his lap…”

Correction: Whether you choose to spit or swallow, there’s no excuse for sloppy semen handling. Keep a tissue nearby if you’re the former and work on that gag reflex if the latter is your method of choice.

#5: From former Mouseketeer and N’Syncer Justin Timberlake who offers, “I’ll let you whip me if I misbehave,” in his massive hit, “Sexy Back.”

Correction: You’ll let me whip you? JT, just what kind of bottom are you? That’s not how it works. I’ll tell you when you misbehave and I’ll decide what kind of punishment is called for. Few things are more annoying than an uppity sub.

#6: In Gwar’s ode to doing it in the dirt, “Sex Cow,” Oderus Urungus describes “blowing and hoeing and covered in mud.”

Correction: No. Much like “pouring sugar on me,” mud is a breeding ground for bacteria.

#7 : Prince’s song “Head.” To refresh your memories, some of the lyrics are, “I’ll give you head … til your love is red.”

Correction: Though Prince is reportedly heterosexual, it doesn’t matter which gender’s genitalia you’re entertaining with your tongue in this context. While yes, it’s great when the sex organ gets engorged with blood, Prince follows this line with “love you ‘til you’re dead,” which is less appetizing and makes his intentions seem somewhat suspect.

#8: Trent Reznor and Nine Inch Nails’ song, Closer. The questionable lyrics: “I wanna fuck you like an animal.” 

This could be either fine advice or bad advice, depending on which animal Mr. Reznor is reference. Doggy-style, fine. Like a pig with the corkscrew-shaped wang? No thanks. Also, if you’re donkey-dicked, remember that lube is your friend.

This is an excerpt from Judy McGuire’s new book, The Official Book of Sex, Drugs, and Rock ‘n’ Roll Lists, which hits shelves tomorrow, June 5.