4 Things I’m Doing To Avoid Online Dating

I’ve promised my friends that whenever my dating prospects dry up, I will gather up my courage and make a new online dating profile. Well, my prospects are drying up at a rapid pace. Yet, I’ve made no move to get my electronic mojo going. Why? I’m not entirely sure. I really have nothing against online dating, I just know that I’m better in person. Also, I enjoy the challenge of having to drum up new dating business without making a profile. That, and my online dating experiences in the past have been, well, a little bit scarring. I’m not going to go into great details but I will give you three scenarios: Obsessed With His Cat, Wanted By The Federal Government, Told Me About His Sex Therapy. I realize that these were isolated incidents, but the thought of having to sit through a date that even remotely resembles any of these makes me feel trepidatious. In the meantime, I am dragging my feet, grasping at straws. Here are the things I’m currently doing to put off the inevitable for just a little bit longer.

1. Looking To The Food Network. What I’m about to admit is embarrassing, so please don’t shame me. I have been working my way through all 11 seasons of the Food Network show “Chopped” looking for eligible bachelors. I’ve always had this fantasy of dating someone who wants to cook for me all the time and I like to watch people cook, so that was how the whole “Chopped” marathon started. But it evolved into an actual dating tactic when I went out to dinner with some friends last week. There was a guy sitting at the table next to us and he looked really familiar to me (and he was hot). I was trying to place his face when I realized I had seen him on “Chopped.” I congratulated him on winning and we talked for a minute. No date (I think he was married), but it dawned on me: There are 11 seasons of “Chopped.” That’s 11 seasons worth of possible dates. Now every time a sexy male chef who lives in NYC is on the show, I go to his restaurant’s website and try to find out if he’s single. So far there were only two guys that seemed like prospects. I will be dining at their five-star restaurant and grilled cheese truck respectively. Then I will be exploring other shows on the Food Network.

2. Using My Business Cards. After three years of working at The Frisky, I finally got business cards. And I intend to use them, both professionally and to procure dates. I’ve been handing them out to tons of people. I am happy to report that my business card spaghetti to the wall method is working. I gave one to a guy I met in line to use the bathroom at a pizza place in Brooklyn and another to a woman at a party who said she knew a single, urban farmer. I’ve received communication from both.

3. Datecycling. I’ve been dating long enough now that it may be time to start recycling some of the people I’ve dated. Specifically, the guys who I really hit it off with but who were unavailable/in a bad place/just out of a breakup. So let me be clear here — anyone who screwed me over or treated me poorly or displayed red flags will not be considered. Anyone about whom I wonder, Whatever happened to him? will be receiving friendly “I just wanted to say hi” emails. Ya never know. Time changes everything, right?

4. Saying Yes To Yenta. Okay, so one time about five years ago, I agreed to let my mom set me up on a date and she took my moment of weakness and RAN with it. She color photocopied pictures of me and brought them to a friend’s wedding. She then proceeded to go table-to-table and show them to single guys and see if there were any takers. I KNOW. MORTIFYING. Anyhow, the parents of a 40-year-old cell phone salesman who lived in New Jersey were the only people who took the bait. In my inbox that Monday was an email from them saying that they saw my photos and heard that I was looking for a “nice Jewish gay.” The gay being a typo for guy. And that was the end of my mother setting me up. Or so I thought. I know I’m in a very desperate place because my mom is coming to town this summer for her high school reunion and told me that one of her friends knows lots of single guys who live in NYC. “Great!” I replied without thinking. I am so screwed. Maybe I should just make that profile.