The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders was first developed in the 1950s by the American Psychiatric Association as a way to classify and define mental problems. It covers a whole host of problems, including clinical disorders, personality disorders, and intellectual disabilities. And it’s been revised several times since its original publication, to include new and emerging psychological problems.
But even so, we think the DSM isn’t quite complete. In fact, we’ve been experiencing an array of disorders of late that we think should definitely come under review by the APA for potential inclusion. That’s because we believe these disorders are now widespread and very, very debilitating. After the jump, we give you a list of some of the new disorders we believe we — and you — might be suffering from.
1. Computer-Related Technological Aggression: The anger and malice you feel when the rainbow spinning wheel on your computer (the one the denotes that your computer is “thinking”) gets frozen in “thinking” posture, thereby rendering it impossible for you to get any work done.
2. Celebrity Break Up Grief Disorder: Undue sadness/hysteria felt over the split of a favorite celebrity pair. Ex: “Now that Heidi and Seal are done, there’s no hope for us ‘just average’ folks. Suppose I’ll toss myself off a bridge.”
3. Media-Related Depressive Disorder: Depression brought on by the end of a favorite television show series or book. Ex: “I haven’t been able to wash myself since the end of ‘Game of Thrones’ season two.”
4. Cuteness Impulse Control Management Disorder: The irrepressible desire to squish and maim really cute things (e.g. puppies and kittens and babies).
5. Obsessive Celebrity Emotional Transference: Developing an emotional connection to a celebrity in such a strong way that you love them to the point of hating them. Also known as: “Misery”-ing, after the Stephen King book and film, starring Kathy Bates. Ex: “Amelia has OCET over Ryan Gosling’s relationship with Eva Mendes and might want to lock him in the basement for a while. Just saying.”
6. Delusional Virtual Life Disorder: Going to great lengths to create the illusion of a perfect life on any and all social networks (e.g. Facebook, Twitter, via email and holiday newsletters) while your actual life crumbles into compulsive overeating, unemployment and “Dawson’s Creek” marathons.
7. Hipster Denial Disorder: The tendency of all hipsters to insist they are not hipsters, thereby nullifying their own existence.
8. Spacial Rage Disorder: Unfettered rage when strangers fail to observe and respect personal space requirements, thereby invading both the physical and psychological boundaries of the individual.
9. Adult Task Avoidance Disorder: An irrational fear of completing normal, everyday adult tasks, such as returning phone calls, checking your bank balance, or opening the mail.
10. Hunger-Related Anger Disorder: Also known as “Hanger,” HRAD is a situational disorder that strikes when the victim is hungry, and is thrown into a rage/shame spiral. Ex: “Get Ami a sandwich, she’s feeling hangry and is liable to snap soon if she doesn’t get 500 calories, stat!”