Dating Don’ts: 13 Vagina Killers

Vagina Killer (vah-ji´nah kil′ər) noun: 1. The thing that an otherwise acceptable man can do or say on a date to ensure that he will never get into your pants. Ever.

Vagina killers will stop the mojo of any good date dead in its tracks. For example, say you’re on a date with a perfectly charming, perfectly smart, perfectly handsome, perfectly eligible man. Ah, you think. A normal man at last. A good conversation. A nice dinner. Things are going well! And then he drops the one bomb that will ensure your vagina is closed for business to him for all eternity. Like he tells you that all he needs in his life is his cat; in fact, they are best friends and they do everything together. For a non-allergic cat lover, that might be a vagina awakener, but for me, a very allergic, non-cat loving person: vagina DOA. I’m sorry, Guy — you were in the running before you KILLED MY VAGINA.The point being, vagina killers are very personal and specific, but we all have them. Remember, your goal is to keep that vagina alive so you can meet her in person! After the jump, some more deadly vagina killers to avoid at all costs. Please share yours in the comments.

1. Incessant work talk. Endless chit chat about how busy you are at work and how stressful your job is renders the vagina lifeless.

2. Dave Matthews [or insert your least favorite band here]. What did you say? Dave Matthews is your favorite band of all time? Call the vaginamedics.

3. Itemizing the bill. If you don’t pay, it’s not a total vagina killer. But if you’re straight-up itemizing how much each of us owes … dead down below.

4. Mandals. You sent my vagina into cardiac arrest with your Tevas.

5. Being rude to the bartender or waiter or anyone, really. The vagina doesn’t tolerate you talking down to our waitress because your plate was cold. We hope she spits in your food.

6. No effort. If you have zero ideas on places you want to go or things you want to do on the date, vagina is unimpressed.

7. Insulting me or something I do. Like the guy who went on for like three minutes about how he hates bloggers. Guess what I do? My vagina hates you.

8. Incessant mom talk. It’s nice that you love your mom. I’m even interested in hearing about what she does for a living. But regaling me with hours worth of mommy issues … gasp, sputter, sputter, cough, die. 

9. Recapping long segments of television shows or movies I haven’t seen. WHY? Vag either is dead or just sleeping.

10. Mentioning the word “vagina” during our date.  It’s like saying “MacBeth” backstage … a curse. Thou shalt not reference her until you’ve met her.

11. Talking about money woes.  Please note: It’s OK if you’re poor! But complaining about your money troubles throughout our date will not get vagina to play.

12. Sharing your bigoted or sexist beliefs. You believe women were born to change diapers? Now the vag will have a cause to die for.

13. Mentioning your sex life with your ex. Vagina? Vagina? Are you still there? She’s gone.