Like Ruben Studdard sang so lovingly in “I’m Sorry (2004)” — guys, I love that song — there’s a lot of things we have to apologize for to our loved ones. But some of us understand the finesse of a good apology better than others. And so often, we ladies get particularly terrible apologies from the dudes in our lives.
After the jump, horrible, annoying apologies we’ve gotten. And add your worst apologies in the comments!
1. “I’m Sorry You Feel That Way.” I’m sorry you feel that way is the Nellie Olson of apologies — superior, and snotty with small teeth and blonde braids and oh my god, Jesus Christ. “I’m sorry you feel that way” manages to express the word “sorry” without actually taking any responsibility. Instead, it puts it all back on the other person for feeling bad. In effect, it’s saying, “We wouldn’t be having this problem if you could get your own feelings under control.”
2. “Can’t We Move Past This?” What this actually means is “Can’t you move past this” because you’re the one holding up resolving this problem.
3. “I’m Sorry If I Hurt Your Feelings.” This apology doesn’t actually apologize for the transgressive act, it only seeks single you out for having your feelings hurt. Because you’re a total Sensitive Sally and big pussy. And you’re always taking things too seriously and why can’t you just take a friggin’ joke?
4. “Okay, I’m Sorry.” This says, “You’ve frustrated me to the point that I will acquiesce and give you an apology I don’t think you really deserve.”
5. “I’m Sorry If You Think I Was Being Insensitive.” It says, “I know I wasn’t really being insensitive, you just took it that way. Because you’re too sensitive.”
6. “Sorry, I Thought You’d Understand.” But you’re too jealous/insecure/oversensitive/silly/stupid for that.
7. “Sorry I Said Anything.” This apology turns the transgressor into the victim. They thought they were going to get extra points for being real. Now they’re the ones who are being victimized by you. All they were doing was trying to be honest. Why can’t you appreciate that?
With apologies to Cracked.com, who wrote a post the other day about “Apologies That Aren’t Apologies At All.” Sorry, we thought you’d understand that we were just inspired by your awesome list and had to do our own.