8 Things We’re Starting To Understand About Tanning Mom

For the last two weeks we’ve been trying to wrap our heads around the many things we didn’t get about Patricia Krentcil (aka Tanning Mom). In the process, we’ve grown a wee bit fond of her. Amelia and I were talking today, and while we still don’t understand exactly how she achieved her mysterious shade of tan, there are a few things about tanning mom that can understand. For starters, everyone does feel better when they have a tan. You can’t argue with that. More after the jump.

1. Everyone feels better with a tan. Amelia just came back from vacation in Tulum and is quite pleased to be “one tan bitch.” I’m quoting her here. I looked at her and gushed, “I can’t wait to be that tan.” I’m quoting myself here but I totally meant it. Of course, my tan will be achieved responsibly with massive amounts of sunscreen. When I was in high school, I was overweight. I was at the local gym one day sweating it out on the elliptical and this really in shape girl from my school was there too. We started talking and I asked her what her fitness secret was. She told me — and I’ll never forget it — “I always make sure I’m tan. Everyone looks better with a tan.” Tanning Mom went way overboard with that, and it became an addiction, but we really do get where she was coming from. Tans (normal ones) look good. True fact.

2. Why she has tattooed lip liner. Lipstick runs! Especially if your lips are a certain shape. I’m always finding my gloss or lipstick creeping down way below my bottom lip and it’s annoying. Maybe Tanning Mom thought that she could put an end to this by getting her lip liner tattooed. It’s not a solution I’m willing to explore, but I see the reasoning there.

3. How she has a husband. Have you ever seen “Hoarders” or “My Strange Addiction”? Those people have significant others about 99 percent of the time. You’re sitting there wondering how this person who has 7,000 puppets or eats toilet paper is married, while fairly normal women like Amelia and I remain single. The same principle applies to Tanning Mom. She has a husband because she’s cray. A happy marriage? We’re not so sure.

4. Why she would consider posing for Playboy. Duh. Because she really needs the money to keep up her tanning habit. All addicts find a way to support their habits. Tanning Mom is addicted to tanning. Tanning is expensive. She is probably just moments away from hitting the streets in a hot dog truck and giving lap dances to pay for tanning sessions and now, legal bills. Also, she has a long history of financial woes and even declared bankruptcy in 1999. Playboy pays well. I don’t think they intend to take her up on her offer, but we get why she would express her interest.

5. Why she might have put her daughter in a tanning booth. Yes, she’s denying it. But if she’s truly a tan addict, which I think she is, she associates bad/out of control feelings with being pale. I hate to know how she’d react if she saw my bare legs right now. She might squirt me with her gardening hose. Anyhow, her daughter’s fair skin is the embodiment of everything she hates about herself and she wants, no, feels compelled to tan her. Either that, or it was her sick way of bonding with her. There was some bit about her tanning while her daughter was in utero. Oh my. Or she’s innocent and her daughter got second-degree burns from playing in the garden with sunscreen on. Somehow, I doubt it.

6. Why she would deny it. Because she would lose her children. No mother, no matter how deeply tanorexic, wants to lose her children.

7. Why she got even tanner for her television interview. I think we already covered this. She sincerely feels that she looks better when she’s tan and she wanted to look good on camera. Who wouldn’t?

8. Why she wears bows. Because bows make you look innocent and she’s trying to gain public approval after insulting us all. According to her, all of her haters are “jealous, fat and ugly.” That’s right, Tanning Mom, put a bow on it.