I use Facebook primarily for three reasons: To chat with my family members who live out of state, to share links of animals doing stupid cute things and occasionally, to stalk. I’m not talking about stalking exes, I’m not into that at all. I usually hide or unfriend them within moments of the breakup. I’m no masochist and looking at exes makes you feel like crap. I only engage in fun stalking. The kind that makes me feel good about myself. I like to creep on FB friends that I should probably unfriend. I just can’t because I enjoy following their every virtual move so much. After the jump, the Facebook friends you really should keep just for the hell of it.
1. The guy you went on one date with. There was this guy that my friend set me up on a date with four years ago. Between the time that we were introduced and went on our first date, he friended me. He was perfectly nice, but we weren’t a match. He ended up moving to Japan or something and getting married. I like to stalk his page because he seems really in love. And I like knowing that the dating scene can occasionally have a happy ending.
2. The friend who overshares about her relationship issues. I’m just going to say that she has publicly aired every bit of dirty laundry during her divorce and it’s way better than an episode of “Real Housewives.” I check in daily to find out what’s new in relationship hell. Let’s just say that her husband left her for someone who he met Instagram. WHOA.
3. The friend who is always the first to post every link. You know they just want attention and validation and to be lauded as the first person to find everything on the interweb. I don’t care about their issues, I just use their Facebook page as my own personal RSS feed. Think of all the time you’ll save browsing!
4. The popular kids from high school. For some reason, lots of the popular kids from high school friended me on Facebook.I think they were just friending everyone. I accepted all of their requests because I’m over the fact that I wasn’t the coolest back in the day. I like seeing how the popular kids’ lives turned out. All I’ll say is this: I think being a theater dork served me well.
5. The woman keeping a pregnancy blog. It makes me cringe, but I read it anyway. This week her fetus is the size of a peanut and she bought a belly expander for her jeans! Whoop whoop! If you’re thinking of ever having kids, this will remind you why you either do/don’t want to. I’m leaning toward DON’T if it means I will be compelled to keep a pregnancy blog and post every entry on Facebook.
6. The friend who works really hard on every Facebook status update. They are most likely a comedian of some sort. You can almost smell how hard they are trying to get a laugh. Every status update is a joke in training. Most of them are bombs, but when they hit it … they hit it.
7. The guy who works with celebrities. An ex-coworker of mine is now the photo editor for a gossip mag and he’s always posting exclusive outtakes! This is what I do on my lunch break.
8. The person with inside gossip about politics. Sometimes I read about what happens at a press conference on Facebook before I see it in the newspaper, which makes me feel like a political genius.
9. The girl who works in PR. Sure, you get an invitation from her at least once a week to an event you would never, ever attend and that’s annoying, but if you sift through the shit, sometimes you can get into movie screenings, food tastings, and parties for free. It’s totally worth all the Facebook spam.
10. The person who writes crazy religious fire-and-brimstone, condemnatory postings. I have a token religious crazy. I’m not even sure how I became friends with him. But I wouldn’t dare unfriend him at this point. He is so God damn (yes, I purposefully took the Lord’s name in vain) entertaining to a heathen like me.
11. The major drama queen. I definitely keep a few of them on my friend list because every other post is “Why can’t I catch a break?!” or “Worst day ever!!!” and it makes me feel better about my life.
12. The guy you’re hot for who you sense is about to break up. Him and his girlfriend don’t look so happy in their pictures lately, do they? Ruh roh! I check his timeline occasionally to see if he’s changed his status to single already. Not yet. But I plan to keep checking.