This Mother’s Day we’d like to take a moment to recognize our mothers for all the love they bestowed upon us, all the wisdom they imbued us with, and most of all, for the weird fears they attempted to instill in us. Whether they managed to turn us or not is a different story. Some we embraced (we agree that it is important to unplug your flatiron so as not to burn the house down), and some we vehemently rejected (tampons are perfectly safe to use). But we respect their perseverance in trying to make us accept their irrational truths as our own. Check out the bizarre fears our mothers taught us to have after the jump.
1. The fear of huge boobs/fat ass/thick thighs. Dearest Mothers, how do we say this kindly? Okay, here goes: Just because Grandma Dottie had triple G’s, does not mean we should book our breast reduction surgery. Especially if we’ve barely cracked a B cup. And just because the Jones women are prone to weight gain in the lower half, does not give you the right to remind us constantly to keep our “lower half in check.” Especially if we’re a size 2. Capiche?
2. The fear of spoiling dinner. If we have a snack four hours before dinner time, we will still be able to eat everything on our plate. We promise.
3. The fear of buying something at full price. Maybe the jacket we just bought will go on sale tomorrow. And maybe the earth will be struck by a meteor. Today, we are going to enjoy wearing the jacket and pray that we live one more day.
4. The fear of being a loser. Just because we want to hang out at home with our DVR on a Saturday night, does not make us lonely or unpopular. We watch excessive amounts of Reality TV by choice, thank you very much.
5. The fear of public toilets. We’ve yet to shake this one. We still think that any contact with a public toilet seat will land us a disease. That’s why we hover.
6. The fear of short hair. For the record, it does not make us unattractive to men. And we have the notches on our bedpost to prove it.
7. The fear of unwanted germs. Are we spinning our wheels washing our hands immediately after returning from the grocery store or the mall, because the germs will make us sick? We don’t know. It’s a habit now.
8. The fear of only children. Mom, could you explain one more time why there is something terribly, terribly, terribly wrong with only children and we should pity them? It sounds kind of fun to us not to have to compete for your attention with our siblings.
9. The fear that we have awful taste in men. We only needed you to say it once for it to stick forever and ever and ever.
10. The fear of tampons. For a long time, you made us afraid of getting toxic shock syndrome, but ultimately, what we feared more was looking like we were wearing a diaper.
11. The fear of burning down the house. We acknowledge that leaving a flatiron plugged in all day may burn the house down, albeit the chance is slight. You reminded us so many times, that we often find ourselves going back into our apartments to double and triple check our appliances. On the upside, we’ve never started a house fire. So, thanks for that.
12. The fear of putting our chins down. We’re not sure why you told us to “put our chin up” literally every time you ever photographed us. Or why you seem to think that we are more attractive with our chins up. But now, our chins automatically find their way heavenward.
13. The fear of our pets going missing. Whenever you didn’t see the dogs, you assumed they were missing. Now we do the same, every .5 seconds. We know it’s crazy. It’s not like the pets are trying to make a break for it. Are they?
14. The fear of saggy tits. Here we go with your critique of our boobs again. We’re pretty sure that going braless or wearing a low-quality bra will not make our tits sag down to our knees. That will happen no matter what we do. It’s called aging.
15. The fear that we will be freezing. Surely, if we go out without the appropriate clothing on, we will freeze to death and our entire day will be ruined. Or we’ll figure out some other solution if we’re cold.