Winona and I recently made a very important discovery: There is no foul mood that can’t be cured by a ’90s dance anthem. It’s like the music of the decade was specifically created with funk-busting in mind. Whenever you’re having a crap day, all you really need to do is find the appropriate ’90s tune to lift your spirits and help you get your head straight. After the jump, Winona and I compiled a list of instant ’90s musical cures for whatever might be ailing you.
Funk #1: Relationship Drama. Your man did you wrong, your family is acting cray, your friend flipped on you. You need something to uplift you, give you the strength to slog through and rise above the dark stuff.
Song: “No More Drama” by Mary J. Blige. Sure, it technically came out in 2001, but we’re pretty sure she wrote it in 1999. It just has that feel. The message is strong: “I don’t wanna cry no more.” Listening to it will remind you to stop letting other people hurt you, and take a stand against drama in your life. Ami posts this one on her brother’s Facebook wall about once a week and he does the same for her. It’s their way of saying, “Keep on going, Kid.”
Funk #2: You’ve Been Working Too Hard. Your shoulders are up to your ears. Your friends are starting to refer to you as “tightly wound.” You don’t remember what it feels like NOT to look at a computer screen. OK … guilty!
Song : “This Is How We Do It” by Montell Jordan. It’s beyond time for you to get your groove on like an old school G. At least in song. And hopefully, listening to Montell and crew “do it” it will lead you to “do it.” I’m talking about some hardcore partying. What did you think I was talking about?
Funk #3: Low Self-Esteem. Having a case of the “I’m not good enoughs” can get kinda heavy. It can make you feel like total shit. Sometimes your self-esteem just needs a shot in the ass.
Song: “The Power” by SNAP! Damn right you’ve got the power and don’t you forget it, Gurl. You are the lyrical Jesse James. That’s your new mantra. If this song doesn’t make you want to do the running man around the world, then we’ll give you your money back. That was just a figure of speech, by the way. There’s no actual money on the table.
Funk #4: Your Groove Is Gone. Maybe you’re all out of whack. Not sleeping enough. Unbalanced. Or maybe you’re deep in a sex draught. We’ve all been there. Point being, Stella needs her groove back ASAP.
Song: “Groove Is In The Heart” by Deee-Lite. Lady Miss Kier and the gang have your back. You are deee-groovy and deee-gorgeous. Ya dig? Your groove was always there, it was just hiding in your heart, silly. And all you needed were some psychedelic funk beats to awaken it again.
Funk #5: You’re Going Through A Bad Breakup. That bastard threw you overboard like an unnecessary sand bag. Or maybe you were the one who unloaded the dead weight. No matter how it happened, you need to nurture your woebegone spirit animal with a ’90s pop song. You need to feel hope that you will live again, heck LOVE again!
Song: “Believe” by Cher. If Cher can’t help you believe in life after love, no one can. With the diva’s help, you will get through this. I have two words for you: FEATHER HEADDRESS.
Funk #6: You Just Got Back From Vacation. So maybe Montell Jordan inspired you to get your shit together and go on that Jamaican vacation you’ve been dreaming of. The only problem is, you’re back now. And you are crashing back into reality with a thud. No worries! There’s a ’90s song that will help ease your landing.
Song: “Back To Life” by Soul II Soul. OK, it came out in 1989, but that doesn’t matter. This tune will massage you back into the here and now with minimal pain. Time to get back to reality, but hopefully with a little bit of that vacation goodness this time.
Funk #7: You’re Feeling Stagnant. Maybe it’s a crappy relationship. Maybe your job is slowly sucking the life out of you. Whatever it is that has you feeling stuck and uninspired, if you’re looking for a sign, look no further than a certain 90s tune …
Song: “The Sign” by Ace of Base. It is impossible to listen to this song without feeling a jolt of inspiration. Soon you’ll be seeing signs everywhere, and chances are you’ll find just what you’re looking for.
Funk #8: You Forgot How To Have Fun. Sometimes life forces you to get way too serious. You get bogged down in the details and responsibilities of adulthood, and you spend all your waking hours working or worrying. Guess what? It’s time to cut loose and have some freakin’ fun.
Song: “Escapade” by Janet Jackson. Let Ms. Jackson teach you to save your troubles for another day. Minneapolis!
Funk #9: You Feel Like A Failure. Didn’t get the job? Forgot your anniversary? Messed up an important presentation at work? Biffed the last inning of your kickball game? Fell off the stage at the community theater? All of the above? If you’re feeling like a failure and need a boost of confidence, look to an R&B goddess for the remedy.
Song: “Try Again” by Aaliyah. It’s a sentiment we all need to hear every now and then, and it’s even better when the amazing Aaliyah is singing it: Dust yourself off and try again.
Funk #10: You’ve Been Betrayed. Someone hurt you real bad. You feel like a quivering shell of the person you used to be. How will you ever get over this? By cranking up the volume on a 90s dance classic, of course!
Song: “What Is Love” by Haddaway. Once you’re rocking out to this jam, you’ll almost be thankful that someone wronged you. After all, how else would you be able to put your whole heart and soul into singing that heart-wrenching line, “Baby don’t hurt me no more!”