10 Things I’ve Learned From Watching “Baggage” (Which Is A Real Show On GSN)

This morning, I was delighted to find out that “Baggage,” a show referenced on last night’s episode of “Girls” which I assumed to be fake because it sounds so amazingly ridiculous, is, in fact, A REAL THING. Here’s how the Jerry Springer-hosted show works, according to Wikipedia:

“Baggage” gives three contestants the chance to win the eye of a prospective date. The contestants carry three suitcases onstage, a small, medium, and large one. Each suitcase contains an embarrassing, unique, or weird proposition the contestant may have; for example, bad habits (e.g. “I share a bed with my grandmother”), strange relationship preferences (“My partner must dress up as Santa Claus”), issues with one’s past (“I’m an outlaw in Mexico”), and strange hobbies (“I play video games 30 hours a week”). These cases will represent the “baggage” to which they will confess and defend. The bigger the suitcase, the bigger the secret or “baggage” is. Once the three contestants are pared down to one, the potential dater must admit to a fault of his or her own.

Naturally, I have spent the last three hours watching it on GSN’s YouTube channel and it is as delightfully trashy as Shoshanna and Wikipedia described. Here are 10 things I’ve learned (so far!) from watching it…

1. The woman from my favorite episode of “Blind Date” also appeared on an episode of “Baggage.” And she specifically taught me I should try sleeping with a ski mask over my freshly moisturized face if I want to wake up with soft skin in the morning.

2. There is such a thing as a Santa Claus fetishist.

3. Not driving a car — even for environmental reasons — is a dealbreaker from some dudes. Including dudes who waited until 30 to have sex. 

4. Some guys like to lick bellybuttons.

5. Dirt does not contain any calories. Not that I trusted her opinion (above), by the way; I googled it.

6. There is a perfectly good reason for keeping the hair from your bikini waxes. Someone call A&E — this chick needs to be on “My Secret Obsession.”

7. There are stranger dog owners than me. And more passionate cat lovers than Julie.

8. “There’s nothing like two clowns making love.”

9. Missed yoga? Hang yourself from a meat hook to relieve stress!

10. “I’d like to smell your ear wax” is at least a unique pickup line.