Dear Sexually Ambiguous Guy On The Subway,
You got on at the same stop as me, so you might live in my neighborhood. I saw you waiting on the platform and thought you might be gay. I tend to
air err on the side of gay when I check out men. My friends fault me for this, they say that I am overzealous with my gaydar, and then when a guy is legitimately into dudes, I tend to think of him as “definitely straight.” Mainly just because he’s not afraid to admit he might be into sucking a d**k once in a while. By the transitive property of bizarre logic, this makes him very straight to me. Anyway, back to you, Sexually Ambiguous Guy On The Subway (who may or may not be gay), I was ignoring you, thinking you weren’t into me that way, until you smiled at me. I like gap-toothed guys with glasses. And you had both, plus a slightly salt and pepper beard. But you were dressed really well, with a button-down, suit jacket, nice jeans and stylish sneakers, so I was confused. I got kind of excited thinking — wait — maybe you were smiling at me like you were attracted to me, but maybe you just were smiling at me like, You have fierce taste in scarves. It was hard to tell. My scarf is really nice.
I was trying to make more eye contact with you, but then some tourists got on our car. A tall woman stood directly in front of me and popped bubble wrap in my ear for four stops. I got irritated and couldn’t see you anymore, so I went back to playing Tetris. Then our eyes met again, and I got freaked out, because I was like, He could be like Michael Fassbender’s character in “Shame.” But you didn’t have the same dead, desperate look in your eyes. But who am I kidding? If I saw Michael Fassbender on the train and he was looking at me, I’d spontaneously combust. But maybe I’d think he was gay, or a sex addict, and blow him off.
I am getting off track. Sexually Ambiguous Guy On The Subway, I wanted to tell you that you were cute, and that I would have said hi, but I didn’t because you were so ambiguous. I won’t post a Craigslist Missed Connections ad, because let’s be honest, the people who do that for real are weird. I totally endorse reading those ads. They’re highly entertaining. But that’s about it. I hope you are on my subway car again sometime soon. Next time, maybe you’ll compliment my scarf or ask me out. Just let me know either way.