I moved last month, which means a new apartment, a new neighborhood, and most importantly, a new mailman, whom I already have a huge crush on. He’s, like, a totally Portland-y bearded hipster mailman, and my office window affords me an excellent view of a few blocks of his route, which leads me to text my best friend whenever he walks by (her reply is always the same: “I still can’t tell if this is a joke.”). As strange as it may sound, this isn’t the first time I’ve had a crush on a civil servant in blue polyester. Here are 10 reasons why I can’t resist a mailman …
1. He’s got great legs. Thanks to all that walking, mail carriers have some of the best leg muscles in the game. And those USPS shorts are perfect for showing them off.
2. He knows all my secrets. People order things through the mail that they’re too embarrassed to buy in real life. My mailman knows this. He has handed these things to me or left them on the porch when I’m too scared to open the door. One time in college, I was really depressed and I bought a Tom Jones Greatest Hits CD and commemorative poster set from an infomercial. Guess who delivered it to me, no judgment? That’s right. My mailman.
3. He has a surprising amount of power over my emotions. Even though I don’t ever really get the chance to interact with my mailman, he has the power to make or break my day. Will my new oxfords finally arrive? Will my paycheck be late? On any given day, his mail bag may contain joy, excitement, sadness, or heartbreak.
4. He’s dedicated. Rain? Whatever. Sleet? Who cares. Snow? No problem. He’ll be out there delivering mail, wearing his USPS poncho like a champ.
5. He knows just what I need. Sometimes when I’m having a rough day and working too hard, a couple magazines and a coupon for Thai food will drop through my mail slot, and I’ll think, “Damn, this guy gets me.”
6. He’s a man in uniform. I’m totally into uniforms but not so much into guns. Mailmen–armed only with a satchel of letters, dog biscuits, and stoic diligence–are the perfect middle ground.
7. Speaking of the uniform, it’s strangely alluring, isn’t it? I’ve already mentioned the shorts and poncho, but there’s also the trousers with the tuxedo stripe down the side, the prominent USPS patches, the stiff hats and orthopedic shoes. I love it all.
8. He’s a living, breathing testament to the greatness of the Postal Service. My love for mailmen (and mailwomen too!) is tied to my deep love and admiration for the US Postal Service. Sometimes I think about this vast network of people, planes, trains, and trucks that is able to deliver bulky packages and little slips of paper to every corner of the country and I get kind of emotional. I know it loses billions of dollars a year but still–the Postal Service is badass.
9. He’s introspective. OK, I actually have no proof of this, but according to my complex and detailed mailman fantasy, my mailman walks around all day dropping letters into mail slots while contemplating deep philosophical questions and pondering the best ways to achieve self-actualization. The nature of his work has given him not only fabulous legs but also a heightened consciousness. Hot.
10. He’s a purveyor of a dying art form. Very few people write letters anymore. In fact, most days my mailman seems to be carrying nothing more than credit card bills and Netflix DVDs. But still, the fact that he’s out there every day, giving us a way to send a handwritten note, just in case any of us ever feels like it, is awesome.