Advice Wanted: The Guy I’m Dating Sucks In The Sack

My sister introduced me to the guy I’ve been dating for some months now. Our relationship could be summarized in two simple statements:

When I first saw him, my heart skipped a beat.

When he stuffed his tongue in my mouth, my eye twitched.

No, nothing was in my eye. The twitch was triggered by pretty strong emotions, mostly some strange combination of frustration and disappointment. I didn’t pull away when he kissed me, either. I just sat there kinda bewildered, trying to figure out how someone could vacuum, swiffer and plunge my mouth with his and find that remotely sexy. I hoped that he was trying some new technique on me and would eventually realize it wasn’t working, but no. Every time we would kiss, the suctioning would start, followed by the tongue plunging. It felt like my mouth was at war with bathroom equipment.

Tongue wars aside, our relationship started to go pretty well. We had the same interests and had a similar sense of humor. I thought we were the perfect match and he was totally in to me. I was actually just about to get over the bad kissing, until one night he went down on me. He started slowly — he kissed my neck, made his way down my stomach, tickled my inner thigh and then it happened: he began to suction and plunge my vagina (a very loud internal scream commenced). He even made sure to focus most of his efforts on my clitoris, which eventually began to throb in pain. After he was finished, I felt disturbed, violated even. He looked up at me for assurance and I just stared back at him wide-eyed. I think he may have taken that look as a compliment, because he enthusiastically would ask me to do it every time we became intimate.

Okay, this is a huge frickin’ problem. I really like this dude, but I cannot continue putting up with his horrible sex techniques. I haven’t had much luck in the past, teaching guys how to be better in the sack — I’ve found that their egos just won’t have it. Do you guys think it is possible to teach a dude new tricks? If so, please tell me how!