Guys, we know how excited you would be if we were as enthusiastic about entering through the back door as you are . Sometimes you mention it, and we smile and shrug. “Yeah, maybe some other night,” we reply noncommittally, handing you back the lube. It’s not that we’re prudes who don’t care about your pleasure, it’s just that sometimes our buttholes need to be wooed. This anal sex thing is scary for us, as it’s frightening for most of you strictly heaters. Even for those of us who have taken it up the butt before, it’s still frightening. Especially if your d**k is way bigger than the guy we tried it with. Once. And that was seven years ago. Our brown eye has gone back to sleep since then. Truth is: We actually want to try it with you. But only if you take our fears seriously. Unless you assuage our anxiety and make us feel totally comfortable about anal sex, it’s never gonna happen. Bring our butts flowers. After the jump our real (and imagined fears) about taking it up the poop chute.
1. Shit accidents. We so greatly fear having of some kind of shit accident during anal. If our poop got on your dick or if it made us have to poop so badly that we had to leap out of bed to run to the bathroom, we’d be mortified. Not to mention, it would totally kill the mood.
2. Getting hemorrhoids. If you have ever seen pictures of cauliflower butts that gay men get from too much anal sex … well, Jesus that’s just about the scariest thing in the world we can imagine happening to our asses.
3. That it will hurt really bad. Remember how scared we were to pop our hymens when we virgins? We were scared of the pain, scared of the blood, scared that we’d be walking funny for days. Well, multiply that times 1,000 in the case of popping our butt cherry.
4. Anal urban legends. We have a friend, who has a friend who was really, really into anal and she ended up with a spastic colon for life. Rationally, we know that this is probably not related to her penchant for anal, but still, we forever associate ass sex with rectal disorders. Also, another friend had a gay roommate in college who had to get a probe up his ass because anal sex tore something up there and he had to sit on a donut pillow thing everywhere he went for two months.
5. Tearing or leaking. Speaking of the guy who had to sit in a donut pillow for two months, it’s hard not imagine something awful like that happening. We’re scared that an inexperienced man will thrust his penis in too quickly and tear something up in there. Or the asshole will stretch out so much that we have poop leakage forevermore. Or did you ever read that book Wetlands? There are images from that book that will never leave our psyches.
6. Anal queefing. Does that exist? Is it the same as farting? We’re not sure, but we’re scared it will happen.
7. The powerlessness. We would be remiss if we didn’t mention the power dynamic at play during male on female butt love. It puts a woman in a very vulnerable position, and if we have any history of rape or sexual assault, this might cause us extra, extra anxiety.
8. That you’ll only want it that way. Once you go back door, you never go back. Did we hear that? Or are we just imagining it? Will you ever want regular sex again once you’ve had our asses? These are things we fret about.