Dear William Todd,
Color me impressed! There are career criminals that don’t accomplish in a lifetime what you did in nine hours: committing 10 felonies. Not only did you steal a taser, revolver and shotgun (and a T-shirt!) from Nashville bar The Slaughterhouse, but you then burned the business to the ground! And because you are a king among criminal men, you went on to commit many more crimes. There was the stop at a local bar where you held up four people at gunpoint, tasering one, and pistol-whipping another. And then, minutes later, you held up a taxi at gunpoint, driving the stolen car to a local Walmart where you purchased $199 in food. All that crime can make you hungry.
But your crime spree was only half over.
Next, you broke into a local hotel’s law office and vandalized the offices, pooping on a desk and smearing feces on the office’s framed law degrees. Very showy. You then took time to rob a few more people on your way out (reportedly crying while doing so) and shaved your head.
But! That’s not all. You had to go out with a bang. After crashing the first taxi, you stole another one at gunpoint, but didn’t have it for long. Police eventually caught up with you, hiding atop Opryland in a water-cooling vat.
It was a short, but sweet run, and you’ve definitely captured my heart. Be my boyfriend?