5 Moments Of Pride That Are Disproportionate To What I’ve Actually Achieved

There are some achievements in life that are worthy of beaming pride and perhaps a little bragging. Winning the Nobel Peace Prize! Selling your first novel! Getting a cool new job! And then there are some achievements in life that are not so much “achievements” as fairly normal life experiences that feel just as victorious, that have you beaming with pride, and bragging to anyone who’ll listen (including on Facebook and Twitter). Here are five moments of pride that disproportionate to what I’ve actually achieved.

1. Going to yoga. Hey guys, no big deal, except it is, but I went to yoga last night. If you saw me, you probably could tell that I had just done some truly mediocre downward dog action, given the yoga mat under my arm and superiority skip in my step. The fact that I looked like I just survived a natural disaster is just proof of what a bad ass I am. So what that I only go to yoga once a month. I. Am. AWESOME.

2. Taking the subway to/from work instead of a cab. I am a creature of habit so once I get in the groove of something — in this case, taking a cab to work because I’ve convinced myself it’s easier/quicker/etc. — I have a hard time breaking it. I am currently trying to create a new habit of taking the subway like a normal goddamn New Yorker who’s not a millionaire. Every time I do — like this morning — I feel so proud that I decide to reward myself with something, be it breakfast or a Madewell top that is five times as expensive as the cab ride I didn’t take.

3. Only having one glass of wine instead of, like, four. I consider myself a functioning wino — I’m part-Italian, Brunello runs through my veins — but I’m not looking to hit the ‘hab anytime soon, or ever. Last night, I only had one glass of wine and while that may have had something to do with how involved I was in playing Temple Run on my iPhone, I still had a smug smile on my face when I went to bed that basically said, “I am SO not an alcoholic. Go me!”

4. Winning a March Madness pool. BIG NEWS! A few weeks ago, a friend of mine who edits ModernMan.com asked me if I knew anything about college basketball. My reply was basically, “Can you ask me about this later? I’m watching ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation.'” Translation: I’m too busy to talk about your silly game, of course I know nothing about college basketball, now leave me alone. Well, apparently, that’s exactly what he was hoping I would say, as he needed a “hot girl who knows nothing about college basketball” to do a bracket for his site’s March Madness pool. I may not care about sports, but I love competition and flattery. So, I did a bracket, which took forevvvvver by the way. I had a strategy, but it had nothing to do with any sort of practical basketball knowledge (my experience with b-ball is limited to period of time in which I found Allen Iverson really hot and wore his jersey to bed.) Anyway, LO AND BEHOLD, though the tournament isn’t even OVER yet, I have ALREADY WON. Based on points alone, no one can beat me, although the Championship winner has yet to be determined. I have not watched one game, but HOLY SHIT, incase you can’t tell, winning this is basically the proudest moment of my life! I beat a bunch of boys! (And a baby. And a dog. And a dartboard.) And an actual college basketball EXPERT. So what that there’s no prize. The shit-eating grin on my face when I found out I had smoked the competition is enough.

5. Going out instead of staying in. For some people, the opposite would be something to be proud of. But as a self-described shut-in, motivating to go out on a weekend night, to socialize with my fellow humanoids, is really difficult. Sometimes I psyche myself into going out by telling myself over and over, You’ll be so proud of yourself if you do! I also spend a portion of the time when I’m out silently patting myself on the back for being such a cool, popular party animal. You could have stayed in, Amelia. But you went out! And you made conversation. You are SUCH a rockstar. Can we go home yet?