Geraldo Rivera’s Mustache Is The Real Enemy

Friday morning, Geraldo Rivera was on “Fox News and Friends” to discuss the Trayvon Martin shooting case. He claimed that Trayvon’s hoodie was actually equally to blame for his death as “nutty neighborhood watchguy” George Zimmerman, and urged parents — especially parents of black and Latino children — to ban their kids from wearing hoodies.

“When you see that kid coming your way, unless you specifically recognize him you are thinking ghetto or ghetto wannabe high-style or low-brow wise-ass,” wrote Rivera in a column fairly dripping with internalized racism. “Pedestrians cross the street to avoid black or brown hoodie wearers coming their way.”

But are hoodies the problem, Geraldo? Or is it something more sinister? Perhaps something that’s wormed its way right onto Geraldo’s simpering face? We urge you and your family to take caution and care and protect yourselves from an enemy that you — and Geraldo — may not even know is out there: Geraldo’s jeepers creepers mustache.

Studies have found that Geraldo’s mustache…

  • …will make you look 70 percent more like a pedophile.
  • …means you must be a fan of ’70s power rock bands.
  • …will make you sit through re-runs of Magnum P.I.
  • …will turn you into a misbegotten ’70s porn star.
  • …has food stuck in it approximately 30 percent of the time.
  • …isn’t an adequate cover for a weak facial structure.
  • …will make your face smell.
  • …will make you 100 percent more likely to promote wildly ridiculous and outlandish theories on national television.

 So don’t say we haven’t warned you. Stay away from Geraldo and his repulsive mustache.