8 Things You Didn’t Know About Sex Robots

So maybe you’ve seen the stuff about the dolls: “Lars and the Real Girl”, “My Strange Addiction.” You are probably up to date on your objectum sexuality: The “30 Rock” where James Franco’s in love with a Japanese sex pillow or the woman who recently professed her love for the Statue of Liberty. And maybe you thought, “Weird to think that stuff is out there. Weird to think that people are into that kind on thing.” Well, if there’s one sure thing besides death and taxes, it’s that anything weird can only get weirder. So here’s the new thing, the latest and most extreme version of the fetish: Sex Robots! That’s right! Step right up for your partially functional Sex Robot! As you learn more about the Sex Robot community, you’ll learn that, actually, it’s very gauche to call it a “Sex Robot.” So call it a “SexBot.” Go on. Get familiar.

A few weeks back I went on vacation to jolly ol’ London Town. I’d planned a week of scones and sight-seeing. Instead, though, I battled the worst bit of jet lag ever, and wound up watching no fewer than FIVE hours of TV a night. And that’s how I found them: The SexBots. A documentary called “My Sex Robot” aired on repeat on BBC 4, and I watched it … I don’t even know. I honestly lost track of how many times I watched it. It was the single most compelling bit of television that e’re I have seen. Hilarious. Depressing. Gross. Bizarre. COMPELLING.

All I could think while watching was: THE USA IS LACKING IMPORTANT INFORMATION! WHERE’S OUR BROADCAST SPECIAL? THE FOLKS BACK AT HOME NEED TO KNOW! And not because we’d want a SexBot necessarily. Just because, well, it’s like they tell you in pre-school: Learning is growing! And so below, for you edification, all the stuff you didn’t know about SexBots. You are welcome in advance.

1. The Hard Facts. The most famous of all the sex-bots is ROXXXY, created and manufactured by a gent by the name of Douglas Hines. He sells his wares on his website, TrueCompanion.com, and explains ROXXXY like so: “She is always turned on and ready to play. The anatomically-correct robot has an articulated skeleton that can move like a human but can’t walk or independently move its limbs. She is 5’7″. 120 pounds. C-cup.” I know it’s hard to picture how exactly a machine moves “like a human” if it can’t walk independently or move its limbs. Having watched a documentary on the subject, however, I can tell you: IT DOESN’T MOVE LIKE A HUMAN. It moves like R2D2. Or, okay, maybe more like C-3P0.

2. The Fixed Stare. In the world of robot fetishists the goal is to find/create a SexBot whose movements are as lifelike as possible. The general feeling from the community is that the machines are not yet there (see above.) That said, it’s nonetheless imperative that no matter how advanced the technology becomes, the SexBots maintain a fixed stare. This aspect, the deadness in the eyes, can be a significant part of the turn-on.

3. The Big O. Female SexBots can simulate orgasm. It’s nice to know the buyers care! Especially in light of that “fixed stare” business.

4. Celebrity Likeness. A SexBot manufacturer will field requests to have a SexBot built to resemble a certain celebrity. The most usual requests? Angelina Jolie and Pam Anderson. One that’s more surprising? Graham Norton! Sure, why not?

5. Don’t Go Breakin’ My Heart. A large number of SexBot owners go on to investigate, then embrace, the fetish after enduring a breakup. Consistently, you hear these owners explain the positive sides of their SexBots like so: “She can’t break my heart … She won’t leave me just because she doesn’t like my car … She won’t have emotional problems.” On that last rationale, I have to make the point – and I mean this in the least snarky way possible – pot kettle black, my friend. POT. KETTLE. BLACK.

6. Cost. SexBots can run you from around $2,000 to $7,000 dollars. My thought on this particular aspect is that all the guys under the impression they’ve been broken up with because they don’t drive a good car, well, you might want to renegotiate your finances. If you’ve got 7G’s lying around, allow me to suggest a new automobile.

7. What A Personality. If your female SexBot becomes boring to you, you need only press a button to change her personality. General modes of operation are archetypes such as – and I’m paraphrasing here in my descriptions – mean, crazy, submissive, older, violent. And that’s naming just a few.

8. Call Your Girlfriend; Say It’s Not Her Fault. For some, the SexBot fetish is not about buying an actual robot, but rather about making your real-life girlfriend more robot like. This is done most effectively by hiring a sex counselor-cum-hypnotist to program her. The idea is that the human girlfriend, in the comfort of her own home, is lead into a trance by her sex counselor/hypnotist. During this time, she “Downloads.” When she’s finished downloading and has emerged from that trance, the human girlfriend will talk in the voice of a robot. (Think: Liz Lemon in Season 3 of “30 Rock” when she says, “Sorry! I was just pretending it was my penis. ROBOT PENIS.”) Every wish will be her command. And you, her boyfriend, will proceed to have “robot” sex with her. I’ll mention that I saw a couple who did just exactly this profiled on that documentary on BBC4. And, oh, what’s that? You’re wondering if they’re best described (in four words or less) as “Dungeons and Dragons 4evah”? Well, yes. Indeed they are.

Sara Barron is the author of People Are Unappealing and the forthcoming book Eating While Peeing (And Other Adventures) For more info, visit her website.