I am into some pretty standard stuff. I like a man with a gorgeous operatic baritone who is fluent in Swahili, makes a mean waffle, and drives a flashy new Prius. But I also have some atypical tastes, too. I think we all do. I’m sure there are random things that guys appreciate about me, too. Like all of the moles I have on my arms. Someone is definitely into that. I think. My husband. I hope. I’m pretty sure he is. The point is: We’re all sexy. All of us. And only when we acknowledge all that is sexy can we finally admit that just about everything is sexy. I think this admission will be better for the world. Here are eight unusual attributes that really catch my attention in a guy. Just to get the conversation started. Obviously, I expect you to share your random turn-ons as well.
I like my man to:
1. Know a lot (if not all) of the elements on the periodic table. I can usually only name, like, four. So I find this knowledge sexy and slightly mysterious. Plus, it shows thoroughness and dedication. So I’m assuming he’ll be thorough and dedicated in other areas of life too. Like in bed, for example. I’m pretty sure there’s a direct link between the periodic table and my bed.
2. Be a good eater. This is really important. Pickiness is weakness. I love it when a guy is bold with his eating. I like it when he’s willing to try anything in front of him. I like it when he likes vegetables and when he finishes everything on his plate. I do not like wrapping things in Saran Wrap. I’m bored by leftovers. Eat it all, and eat it good.
3. Be clumsy. Knock something over! Trip over your feet! Smoothness looks fake. Tripping over your feet is totally real. I like my men to be real men.
4. Have body hair like there’s no tomorrow. Because there will be an ice-age apocalypse in which only the furriest will survive. I’m not sure if this is unusual or not, honestly. But I’m gonna base this on TV and movies and Calvin Klein underwear ads. The men in these situations generally do not have much, if any, body hair. I am into hair. I like it on the back. I like it covering the entire torso, much like it would cover the torso of a wild beast. I like it to resemble fur. I like it to keep me warm in the winter. And in any ice-ages that may be coming.
5. Have a little chub. This speaks for itself, I think. I mean, it’s hard to be a truly great eater without acquiring an extra layer. And who doesn’t like a little chub? Oh, you? You like ‘em lean and mean and with good hand-eye coordination? OK, fine. I like chub, especially on the belly, because I am into really, really comfortable hugging. And because I like to pat a guy on his belly. I just get this urge.
6. Have big muscles. These are totally out of fashion in Brooklyn, where I live. It is so very, very déclassé to be into big muscles. That’s like being into reality TV or Hostess Snack Cakes. But I can’t help it. I like me some giant muscles. Especially in the thighs. And calves. Definitely the calves.
7. Have a soft speaking voice. I like my men soft-spoken and gracious. It contrasts strikingly with their giant calf muscles. I like to have to say, “What?” a lot, because he’s so quiet. It reminds me that I’m kinda loud. It makes me pay attention. And I always suspect that when he says something, it’s worth listening to. It might be something about the periodic table!
8. Hum to himself. It sounds happy! It makes me want to hum, too. And then I want to dance through a meadow. And then I get depressed that there are no meadows nearby. But first, I am happy.