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Casting “Fifty Shades Of Grey” With Actors We Wish Would Do Gratuitous Hardcore Sex On Screen

50 Shades Of Grey
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This weekend, I read approximately 600 pages of the dirty smutty smut smut called Fifty Shades of Grey. I’m currently almost to the end of the second book in the trilogy and was up till 2 a.m. because I couldn’t wait to find out what would happen next in the Red Room of Pain. Given that it’s incredibly juicy yet poorly written, I’m confident the Fifty Shades series is the new Twilight and a movie is imminent (which is fitting considering Fifty Shades was originally written as Twilight fanfic). Forgetting, for a second, that most Hollywood stars probably wouldn’t do the kind of explicit sex scenes that would do the series justice, I decided to cast the movie based on who I see in the roles. Click on to find out who I’d like to see play Christian Grey, Anastasia Steele, “Mrs. Robinson,” and everyone else of importance in the series (at least through most of book two). (Warning: some spoilers ahead!)


Ryan Gosling as Christian Grey: You didn’t seriously think I was envisioning anyone else in this role did you? The Gos is around the right age (late-20s), and he does the steely eyed thing really well. Plus, I can totally see him getting the complexity of Christian’s need for dominance coupled with his deep childhood pain. Or whatever. Also, I would like to see his manhood unsheathed and thrusting and stuff.

Lily Collins as Anastasia Steele: Ana starts of as innocent and virginal (she’s never even been kissed or masturbated) and quickly — like, in a week — finds herself fucking, being whipped by, and falling in love with a BDSM-obsessed billionaire. Lily Collins has that wide-eyed vibe but I can also see her sexing it up. 


Elena aka Mrs. Robinson: So, Elena is the older woman who “seduced” 15-year-old Christian and dominated him before he became a dom himself. She’s the only blonde he’s ever been with. I see Nicole Kidman in this role as, like, a mix between her role in “To Die For” and “Eyes Wide Shut.” 

Kate Kavanaugh: Ana’s roommate Kate has more experience that Ana does in the sexual arena, but would be shocked by what goes on in the Red Room of Pain. Evan Rachel Wood is my pick.


Elliot: We don’t know all that much about Christian’s brother Elliot, other than he’s hot for Kate and coined the oft-use phrase “laters, baby.” So I kind of picture a bro like Josh Hartnett in this role.

Mia: Christian’s sister seems a little wild and girly and playful. Megan Fox, me thinks.


Taylor: Christian’s head of security deserves a spin-off of his own. We get the sense that he’s handsome but rugged and quiet. Mmm, Tom Hardy, I’m lookin’ at you.

Jose: Ana’s friend from college has a serious crush on her. I couldn’t think of many Latino actors who were the right age for this role, but luckily Jay Hernandez is exactly what I had in mind when I was reading the book.


Leila: One of Christian’s former subs is seriously off-her-rocker. A role made for Paz de la Huerta!

Jack: Ana’s pervy boss would be perfect for Bradley Cooper.

So, how did I do? Fifty Shades fans — who would you cast?

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