Mothers have the unique ability to annoy us in a way that no other person can. The smallest gesture, the most subtle glance, the most seemingly innocuous comment is enough to send us into a fit of madness. Why? Because we understand her thought process, her subtext, what she really thinks of our new haircut … even though she doesn’t say it. Her belabored sigh is enough to tip us off. But we know that if mom ever stopped sending us 5-10 chain emails a week (even though we’ve repeatedly asked her not to), we would miss those chain emails. We’d miss them dearly. After the jump, we take a moment to appreciate all the little the things our mothers do that drive us nuts.
1. When I emerge from my room for an outing or event, she asks me if “that’s what I’m wearing.” Meaning she hates my outfit and I need to change immediately. But instead of just saying that she asks the question. Every. Single. Time.
2. And if that outfit happens to be foreign to her … forget it. Every time she sees me wearing an item of clothing that she has not personally seen before she asks me “Is that new?” It doesn’t matter that we only see each other a handful of times a year and most everything I wear is “new” to her. Doesn’t matter one iota.
3. When we’re riding in the car together and she stops suddenly, she flings her arm out in front of me even though I always wear a seatbelt. It’s like this motherly impulse that she can’t control. She usually follows this up by saying something like, “You are my precious cargo.” And I reply, “I am wearing my seatbelt.”
4. She asks me to ask my dad if we can go out to dinner, presumably because she assumes he’ll be more likely to say yes if I ask instead of her. It’s kind of like an adult game of telephone that I didn’t sign up for.
5. She stalks my Facebook page and mistakenly thinks that every male friend of mine is “cute” and “likes” me. Usually the men she fixates on are either gay or in relationships. Unfortunately, she neglects to stalk their pages enough to know that. So she continues to ask me about them.
6. She texts me my horoscope every day even though I don’t really believe in horoscopes and have told her so. Like she literally takes the time to copy it from newspaper to text message. Including how many stars the astrologer gave me for the day. She ends every horoscope text with, “Have a great day! Love, Mom!”
7. And speaking of her texts. Why does she sign every text message “Love Mom” like I DON’T KNOW IT’S FROM HER?
8. Still a fan of print, my mom clips out articles from newspapers and magazines and sends them to me in the mail. I want to explain to her about sending links via email, and how I hate paper, but I don’t have the heart. The only thing that would be more inefficient is if she sent articles via carrier pigeon.
9. She buys me huge bottles of vitamins that I never take. I know I’m supposed to take fish oil, but start me off with one, not 1,000.
10. She tells me jokes that are not funny. And I have to pretend to laugh so as not to hurt her feelings. Even though she thinks all my jokes are “mean.” I think it’s clear that one of us is lacking a sense of humor. And it’s not me.
11. She finds 7,000 things to say as I’m trying to get off the phone. It’s like my desire to get off the phone triggers a primal reaction to say everything she’s ever wanted to say to me. Does she not remember the very beginning of the conversation when I asked her how everything was? And how I had to leave soon to meet friends for brunch? Apparently, she does not.
12. And after she’s done saying all 7,000 things on her mind, she does the “repeat after me” at the end of every phone call, forcing me to summarize the most important points of the conversation and clarify any action items. At this point, I’ve missed the brunch with my friends.
13. When we’re shopping together and we get separated, she wanders through the store calling my name to find me. It’s as if I were a four-year-old and she lost me. How can she not know I’m in the cosmetics department. I’m always in the cosmetics department.
14. Once she’s found me in the cosmetics department, she will, without fail, have a really long, in-depth conversation with the sales girl. Because she does this with every cashier, server, and barista she meets.
15. If it’s anywhere in the range of two hours before dinner time, my mom seems genuinely disturbed if I’m having a snack. She views this as “spoiling dinner.” Even if it’s a handful of baby carrots that I’m snacking on. It doesn’t matter a lick to her that I’m starving to death. Only that I’ve “spoiled dinner.”
Readers, please feel free to chime in with yours!