One Man’s Opinion On The Sock Bun

I recently because rather obsessed with the Sock Bun, a method of styling your hair into a bun that, yes, involves a sock. Basically, you snip off the toe of an old sock and then roll the sock into a donut shape. Then you put your hair in a ponytail, slip the tail through the center of the sock donut, and roll and tuck your hair over and under the donut until it’s at your crown. (Here’s a good tutorial.) It basically makes your bun look a whole lot fatter and, I’ll admit, pretty damn good. I’ve been practicing the sock bun on my own hair with decent results; this technique gives a bun a certain refinement that twisting it up with an elastic just doesn’t. Which is strange because you have an old sock in my hair. Generally, though, no one knows that. It’s your and your sock bun’s little secret. But then it occurred to me that the sock bun would not be the ideal hairdo for a date/makeout session. Seriously, what a dude do if a moment of passion was interrupted by him finding an old sock in your hair? So I went to the guy I always ask ridiculous questions like these, John DeVore. Here is what he had to say.

Amelia: Let’s say you were making out with a girl and she had her hair in a bun. And when you went to touch her hair, you discovered a sock in it — what would you think?

John: I have no idea what you just typed. I was digging around in her bun and pulled out a sock?

A: Like, you’re caressing her hair, perhaps going to take down her hair so you can run your fingers through it, and you pulled out a sock.

J: Pulled a sock out of where? Here’s what you are describing: My hand in her hair, and then I pull a sock out like a rabbit out of a magician’s hat. I would be impressed and go digging, hoping for more amazing things.

A: Well, I ask, because there’s this hair technique called the Sock Bun that involves rolling your hair around a sock.

J: Is there a picture?

Amelia sends him link to sock bun.

A: The sock is covered up but it makes your bun look really full. It’s awesome, but you have a sock in your hair which, in theory, a dude would find if you were making out with him

J: Oh, it’s like stuffing your bra.

A: Yes.

J: Look — if I’m making out with you, and I care about a sock in your hair, then my priorities and identity are in some kind of flux.

A: But would you be, like, “WTF?” Would you be distracted or would you roll with it and toss it aside?

J: I’d roll with it? It’s like I’m making out and her glass eye pops out. Even then I’d roll with it. What kind of emotionally unhinged bro would say “WTF”? “HOLY SHIT A FUCKING SOCK? WHAT IS THIS BOGUS SHIT? ARE YOU PSYCHO? BITCH, I THOUGHT YOU HAD TONS OF HAIR.”

A: Later, would you be like, “So, what was up with the sock in your hair?”

J: I would be taken aback if I found out she was stuffing her hair bun with a block of aged Parmesan.

A: Duh. What a waste of cheese!

J: Here is a short list of things that would freak me out if i were making out with a chick who had a ridiculous looking trendoid bun:

  1. An actual bun. Cinnabon for instance.
  2. A small balloon full of coconut water
  3. A baby’s skull
  4. A ball of yarn
  5. A ball of Twizzlers
  6. A baby armadillo
  7. A palantir
  8. A kilo of cocaine
  9. Giant mozzarella
  10. A bouquet of bean sprouts
  11. A snowglobe
  12. A popcorn ball
  13. A baseball signed by Derek Jeter
  14. An octopus
  15. A human scalp

A: A human scalp? That makes no sense — we all have a scalp.

J: Have you never read about the brutal tradition of “scalping”?

A: So you mean SOMEONE ELSE’S scalp.

J: Yes. Maybe she used that to stuff her bun. MAYBE SHE USED TISSUES OR STOVE TOP STUFFING TO STUFF HER BUN. She could also stuff her bun with: fresh herbs like thyme and rosemary and maybe some lemon zest. She could stuff her bun with apples and sausage too. Or maybe a Cordon bleu type thing. Ham and cheese.

A: You have really taken this question of mine seriously.

J: Thank you.

A: No, thank you.

So there you have it. One man’s opinion on the prospect of pulling an old sock out of a woman’s hair.