A nice ass in a tight pair of jeans! The ability to hold an intelligent conversation! Fellating a popsicle like it’s a penis! All three are practically guaranteed to turn any man on, but they’re also sort of, I don’t know, obvious. Then I read an article over at MadeMan listing the 10 Surprising Turn-Ons For Women; I agreed with some — drinking wine and being able to engage in a little friendly smack talk– while others I was kind of meh on. I mean, V-neck sweaters are okay, but the only “chick flick” I genuinely appreciate a guy liking is “Fear” and that’s because “Fear” is awesome. Anyway, this list did inspire me to unearth the same scientifically proven turn-ons for men for the benefit of the sisterhood. After all, men are both exceedingly complex and irritatingly simplistic creatures, so it makes total sense that the following 10 surprisingly everyday things are the turn-ons that really work.
1. Downloading from torrent websites. Not that I’m encouraging illegal downloading or anything, ahem, but there was a time when I was on the wrong side of the law and downloaded all my music and movies from torrent sites. Torrent sites are ideal for downloading large files — I won’t get into the tech mumbo-jumbo, but basically, tell a dude you use them and his eyes will light up like a Christmas tree. I have had not one, not two, but three dudes immediately say, ‘Wow. That’s hot,” when I dropped this info.
2. Being handy with a screwdriver or drill or some other tool. There’s something about a woman who can dismantle her own vacuum cleaner and can identify a jig saw that makes a fella sprout wood. Major bonus points if you also assembled all of your Ikea and West Elm furniture by yourself.
3. Cooking pork loin. Well, not necessarily pork loin and not necessarily cooking it for him. But being able to say, “Oh yeah, I made roasted pork loin [or Beef Wellington or whatever] for Christmas dinner — it came out pretty awesome,” makes him think, Mmm, I love pork loin. Pork loin good. How do I get closer to this chick’s pork loin? And then BAM! His food boner turns into a real boner. I have gotten laid more ever since I really found my way around the kitchen and I don’t even have to cook for a dude to have him be turned on by the fact that I can cook.
4. Doing yoga. Even if the guy would never do yoga himself because he doesn’t think it’s “real” physical fitness, knowing you’re flexible will get him thinking about all sorts of positions he could put you in. Do a back-bend at a bar and watch the men come a-runnin’. (I’m only kind of kidding.) Similarly, though I am not a runner, I have heard from friends who have run half or full marathons that men are always impressed by that information. Setting and accomplishing a goal is sexy, especially one that requires a lot of stamina.
5. Being a good driver. I don’t mean driving like my mom and always using your blinker and staying within the speed limit, either. No, a woman who drives fast and aggressively is showing she’s both competent and a challenge. He may even want you to take the wheel in other ways. Bonus points to the woman who can drive a stick shift.
6. Quoting random song lyrics in everyday conversation. A friend of mine landed her last boyfriend — a big hip-hop fan — when she told him, “I need my third eye poked,” referencing a lyric from a Common song. This works just as well with a hipster, punk rock enthusiast, or a fan of classic rock, and if the lyric is relatively obscure — i.e., NOT “Baby, I’ll be your free bird” — even better.
7. Wearing white cotton underwear. Not everyday or anything, because then its virginal luster becomes too commonplace, but every once and awhile will be a pleasant surprise to behold. A guy friend of mine told me that white underwear has that innocent, “not meant to be seen by others” allure. Whatever. This is great news for women in relationships who can spice things up by splurging on a 3-pack of Hanes rather than some ridiculous get-up at Victoria’s Secret. And it’s even better news for single ladies like myself who hate doing laundry and ran out of clean lacy thongs five days ago and “Whoops!” have a date tonight.
8. Knowing your brown liquor. Can you explain the difference between bourbon, whiskey, and scotch? Do you drink one or all of the above, although having a preference is most desirable? Do you have a top-shelf bottle in your liquor cabinet (if you have a liquor cabinet)? If the answer is yes to all of these incredibly important questions, you are probably getting more ass than Gene Simmons. Respect!
9. Not wearing a bra. All the better to see your tits jiggle, my dear. Knowing there’s less fabric between you and total boob exposure titillates his imagination. Bonus points for a subtly hard nipple.
10. Making dirty jokes. A woman should have at least one nasty joke in her repertoire. In college, I had many, but my personal fave — and the one that worked every time — was the following:
Q: How do you make Martha Stewart scream twice?
A: You fuck her in the ass and then wipe your dick on her curtains.
I’m not saying it’s the funniest joke in the world (although, sorry, but I think it’s great), but it’s all in the delivery. Emphasize “fuck,” “ass,” and “dick,” with a straight face, while making eye contact. Try it. If it doesn’t have the dude looking at you with an arousing appreciation, I will eat my shoe.