Be My Boyfriend: Oetzi The Ancient Iceman

Dear Oetzi AKA The Ancient Iceman,

I just saw a picture of you and damn, with a beard like that all you need is a jaunty newsboy cap and you could easily find work as a Stumptown barista. Scientists have analyzed your genome and just discovered that you were lactose intolerant (only soy lattes for you, mister!) and had brown eyes and Lyme disease. The Lyme disease thing is kind of a downer, but those brown eyes and Italian swagger? Total dreamboat status. If you hadn’t been killed with an arrow 5,300 years ago I would totally be crushing on you. [BBC News]